Tuesday, February 9, 2016

When a negative is a positive...

...and I'm not just talking about pregnancy tests.

My boob scan came back negative! Which means I don't have to get another one (unless I feel something) for five more years!

I know this is something that every woman does or will have to do, but I was so scared. I have no reason to be. I don't have a history of it in my family, and I've never felt anything weird on the girls. But I was still scared.

My appointment was at 7:30am, so I had to get there at 7:15 to register. I was early, of course, because I'm a Wilson, so I was able to register early. We went through all the normal routine registration questions, and then she was like "okay, let me get your bracelet on and you can get changed." She wrapped a hospital bracelet around my wrist and I went into a mild panic attack. What the fuck am I getting myself into? I need a hospital bracelet? Am I checking in? Am I having surgery? I glanced around for an escape route.

I couldn't sneak out, so I was led into another waiting room. Then I was handed a key to my changing room, a pink gown, and I was told to change with the opening of the gown facing the front. I locked myself in the changing room and wondered what would happen if I just never came out. But I wanted to go back to bed, so I took off my sweatshirt and my bra.

Now this is the pathetic part of this whole thing - I loved that pink gown top. It was so soft and comfy. I'm digging it. I wonder if there is somewhere I can go to just buy stuff they make you wear in hospitals, because I'm also a big fan of mesh underwear.

Anyway, after a very quick wait (I didn't even have time to finish one game of Candy Jam), I was summoned by the boob scanner. We went into a room, where I was told to put my titties on the glass. Okay, not really. But the very nice boob scanner took her time and lifted my boobs onto the glass, and then smashed them into pancakes. It wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be, but it also was not comfortable or fun. Since my boobs are on the large side, I had to get into two positions for her to get the whole thing in the picture. Usually they take two pictures of each boob, but I got four of each because of my oversized knockers. I've always been a bit of an overachiever, you know.

After the photo shoot, the boob scanner told me that my results would be in my online chart the next morning. So after I changed (and tried to steal the gown top, but alas it would not fold up small enough to fit in my purse) I hightailed it out of there.

I wasn't really too concerned about them finding anything, because (get this) after all the scans were done, the boob scanner was telling me all about her life and I was sneaking pics at my pictures, which were all on a screen behind her. I didn't see anything I thought looked weird, so I took that to mean I was fine. Yes, I thought for a hot second that I was smart enough to be a nurse/doctor and decided I was fine.

BUT then I was texting my mom, and she was like "you have nothing to worry about, they only took two pics of each right? When they make you take more, that means they see something."

WTF MOM?! So I told her they took four of each of my boobs and thanks for the panic. So as soon as I got to work this morning, I logged into my medical chart to see if my results were posted yet. They were....and negggggggaaaaativeeeeee was the answer and I am good!

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