Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Things and stuff

Hi.I'm about to gift you all with a brain dump, so buckle up cowboy.

That's not right. Cowboys don't buckle into their saddles.

Pretend you are in a car, cowboy, and buckle up.

  • I saw Salt N' Pepa last Friday night. It was amazing and awesome and I was sore for two days afterwards because I rapped too hard. #truth

  • One of my oldest and favorite friends, Leslie, is having a baby and I can't even deal with how she looks perfect in this picture and I look nine months pregnant.

  • Kaley Cuoco and her husband got divorced and I'm having a really hard time dealing with this.
  • There was a shooting in Glenwood on Sunday and it was literally ten yards away from my dad's house. Seriously, a serious race battle went down two inches away from where my dad stands as Santa Claus every holiday season. I can't even begin to handle this. 
  • Subthought - the community of Glenwood has banned together tremendously during this trying time and it is amazing to watch. Even though I am just "watching" it on facebook.
  • Another subthought - this really makes me want to live in a small Iowa town again.
  • I am still doing Farrell's and I like it more and more every single day. 
  • I think I am jumping too quickly into my fall wardrobe because I am currently sweating my ass off in a puffy vest.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Basic white girl = check

I have decided this fall I am going to become the most basic white girl in all the land. I usually try to fight this, but I am just going to embrace it.

  • This includes pumpkin spice errrrthing. I already bought pumpkin spice scentsy type things and have made my entire office smell amazing, despite the fact the only two men in the office claim they are allergic. #getoverit #embracefall
  • I also have two pumpkin spice candles burning in my apartment.
  • I have made four batches of snickerdoodles in the last week. Wait...should I add pumpkin to my snickerdoodles? #yes
  • I have also finally embraced the pumpkin spice latte, which I have avoided for the past million years because I didn't want to be seen as basic. Who cares? I'm owning my basicness.
  • It hasn't happened yet, but very soon I will have dark, flowing locks to replace my summer blonde. It's all about the reds and dark browns up here in Basic White Girl Land, otherwise known as my apartment.
  • My lips - dark red. All fall. Every day. Basic.
  • Boots. Boots. Boots everyday.
  • Scarfs everyday, too.

Latte. Hoodie. Lipstick. Basic. 

Monday, September 21, 2015

"Bitterness doesn't age well"

I've been working on this entry for a long time.

On Sunday, May 31st, my Grandma Wilson died. My dad's mom. Otherwise known as the woman who decided she didn't want a relationship with my immediate family and cut herself out in 1996.

Let me backtrack a little. And I may not have all these facts perfect, since I was a kid and probably didn't get all the information. But from my view, this is what happened: When I was little and my mom and dad were still married, Nicole and I spent a lot of time at my grandma's. We would lay in the living room with my grandpa (he died in 1990), running a sandbox rake along his back and watching cartoons. He would record cartoons for us all day while we were at school. It was the best. We would do that while Grandma was in the kitchen, either cooking dinner or sitting at the table working on her puzzle books. Sometimes when I would run through the kitchen to go to the bathroom, I would catch her nodding off while sitting up. She was the only person I knew who could sleep sitting straight up.

Dinner was always plain jane, which was (and still is) perfect for me. Spaghetti with only tomato sauce. Pork chops and potatoes. Sometimes we would have toast and eggs, with the toast cut perfectly into fourths. It seemed, at the time, that she loved us so much and all these little details helped to mold my childhood. I remember how much I loved it when my Aunt Juana (she is only 8 years older than me) was home, and she would play dress up with us in her room. Grandma had the best toy box, which was crammed full and lingered into another cabinet in the kitchen. As a child, everything seemed loving and happy. I'm really glad I have those endearing memories, especially now that she is gone.

Somewhere things fell apart. My mom and dad divorced and Dad made his relationship with Peg official. We combined families, and it seemed like things were okay, at least from my end. Not great, or even good, but okay. I remember Grandma coming to our trailer for birthday parties. I remember her buying all of us (not just her "real" grandkids, but John and Amanda too) Glenwood sweatshirts with "Wilson" on the back. But then at some point, she decided she couldn't handle it and quit us. She didn't like Peg, and I don't know if she thought maybe Dad and Peg would break up or what, but she couldn't deal anymore and that's when everything fell apart.

This was around 1996, because I remember, until then, we had always had family birthday parties. However, when I turned 16, I asked my dad if we could skip the family party and if I could just go out with my friends instead. He of course let me, and then the shit hit the fan. Grandma must have thought Peg had decided we weren't doing a party? It was totally my choice, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back, and Grandma was out.

My memories of Grandma from 1996-2015 are scattered and bad. She and my mom kept in contact, mostly to hurt my dad and talk shit about our family. I know Mom would send her pictures and keep her updated on our lives. Grandma would call dad sporadically, and Dad would try to stop the madness and make things work with her. But those instances would only last a few days, and then Grandma would be out again.

In high school, she came into the grocery store where I worked. She went through my check out line, and I needed a guy to help me bag my groceries (at Kaiman's, girls were checkers and boys were sackers). "Will you call my brother to sack these groceries?" I said to Alysia, who was at the checkout lane next to me. Grandma looked at me pointedly and said "he is NOT your brother." I just kinda stared at her dumbfounded and then Alysia said "He's more family to her than you are," and called him to the front.

Why would she say that? And why, when she hadn't wanted anything to do with our family, did I find piles and piles of newspaper clippings about us in her apartment? Every single time one of us were mentioned in the paper, she saved it. She even had articles I wrote in the Omaha World Herald in her piles. How did she even find those? And when my dad turned 50, she put a "happy birthday" message in the Glenwood newspaper. What was that?

Nicole, Dad and I were at the hospital with her when she died, along with my aunt and two cousins. We stood around her bed, holding hands as one big family as a priest came in to read her last rites. And when they shut the machines off, we stood and watched her last four minutes of life. It was bizarre and scarring.

It's just hard to understand why someone would go to their grave harboring such terrible feelings about their family. I always just assumed the problems with Grandma would get fixed someday.

None of us really knew how to act at her visitation or funeral. Everything was at the Catholic Church in Glenwood. The place where she talked horribly about her family and everyone thought she was a saint. Or so we thought. The lack of people in attendance and the warm embraces we all got seemed to prove that maybe more people saw through her than we thought. At one point in the evening, I was standing at her casket just looking at her, wondering why this woman did the things she did and wondering if I will someday find traits in myself that mirror her. An old family friend came up to me, wrapped her arms around me in a warm embrace and said, "Take this as the example you need that bitterness does not age well." Those words have stuck with me, and I am trying to live a life where I don't hold things against people just because I don't agree with them. Everyone in my life is there for a reason, and I never want to feel like I am not showing them that I love them. My grandma died, leaving me on earth thinking that she did not love me. I don't want anyone wondering that about me when I pass. 

Friday, September 18, 2015

Things I need right now...

1. I need about thirty grand. That would take care of all my school loans, credit card debt and buy me a new car.
2. I need to seriously think about moving out of my apartment. My maintenance crew is a joke and a half.
3. I need a new work phone because I hate the Droid I have so much I want to throw it into a river. Does anyone have an old iPhone they want to give me?
4. I need to lose about 30 pounds. Or at least get to a comfortable weight where I can wear jeans again. It's almost jeans and hoodie weather!
5. I need to get more serious about running again.
6. I need to train myself to drink my coffee black rather than half creamer, half coffee.
7. I need to write thank you cards to people more often.
8. I need to finish The Walking Dead on Netflix so I can move on to my life.
9. I need get better about saving money.
10. I need some caffeine.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

I just can't even...

I cannot deal with fast food breakfasts. So gross. I would rather go hungry than eat a greasy slab of egg on a muffin.

I cannot deal with people who fart or burp out loud. I will lecture you on how disgusting it is.

I just can't even with people who pretend they aren't interested in social media. Yes, tell me about how you are "never" on facebook. You are so cool and hip and trendy that you are above social media. #getoveryourself

But on the flip side, posting six times a day is not necessary. #getoveryourself

Fruit does not belong on pizza. Fruit should really never be warm.

I can't even begin to deal with Real Housewives, any show on MTV, or that Bachelor/Bachelorette bullshit.

Toilet paper rolls UNDER. Deal with it.

Why do Walgreens in Omaha keep getting robbed and held at gunpoint? I love Walgreens. I can't even.

I can't stand when Nick sends emails when he is driving. Or when Nick doesn't even speak to me when he gets in my car because he's on his phone. I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DEAL.

Monday, September 14, 2015

"It takes a long time to grow an old friend."

This weekend I had two friend "reunions". Saturday night I was with some girls I used to work at the casino with, and Sunday I had lunch with Steph and Ebbs, two of my best friends from high school.

It's so weird how different these two reunions were, even though all of these women have been my closest friends at different parts of my life.  

Saturday was an evening outside, drinking beers (not me) around a fire. I worked at the casino when I was 22-28. I don't even know how I lived through those years. We drank too much. We drank every night. We drank and drove home. We slept with the wrong boys, we trusted the wrong girls. It seems like so long ago, but Saturday night I was reliving the memories, telling so many stories and starting so many sentences with "remember when?".  In the middle of one story, I became that pathetic girl again who was obsessed with pleasing Roy and answering his every whim. Luckily, as quickly as I became that pathetic girl, I snapped back out of it. I am not that girl anymore. 

Working at the casino was such a learning experience, and I have a bond with the people I worked with that can't be explained. Casino life is so different. It's a 24-7 business, so you end up spending a lot of odd hours with people. We worked hard, but we were all best friends so it didn't seem like work. Only one of us (Missy) is still there, and I know I could never go back to that lifestyle. Hell, I tried once and made it like one day. I've just changed too much. 

Sunday was a lunch date, and both of the girls brought their baby girls. I cannot express how much a lunch, or dinner, or anytime with these girls warms my heart. There is just something endearing and sentimental about talking with people who have literally grown up with you. We have seen each other through everything, so our time together is spent catching up on our family stories, work stories, boyfriend and husband stories, and now kid stories. A lunch date takes well over two hours, and not just because Steph is always 15-20 minutes late. Hey, we may be grown ups now but some things just don't change, and Vinton time is one of them. 

Ebbs is holding Miss Viviana, who is Steph's 2nd kid. I am holding Anastacia, Ebb's first baby. Yes, I am one of the few from our high school group with no kids. And no, holding these babies do not make my ovaries quiver. Okay, they quivered for a minute but I quickly shut them up with a Miller Lite.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Quinn Liesbeth

On Friday night, I became an aunt for the 3882793719th time. Just kidding. But between my siblings' kids and my friends' kids, I have a lot of people running around calling me Aunt Jen. How lucky am I? 

Allow me to introduce Quinn Liesbeth, who entered this world about a month before we were expecting her. But at 7.5 pounds and just shy of 20 inches, I think she was just ready to get out of that tight space. She's pretty perfect. 

My sister is such a badass. She has amazed me three times now by birthing my sweet nephews and niece. But she also has had hard pregnancies and she always rocks them out. It's amazing, and so much more than I am capable of.