Friday, November 7, 2014

Timehop: 6 years ago

Yesterday I was off work and decided it was a great idea to put up my Christmas tree. I know it's not even Thanksgiving. And I don't care.

I mean hello, my dad is the freaking Santa Claus of Glenwood, did you really think I'm not obsessed with Christmas decor?

Putting up my Christmas tree is always a weird time for me, and I take my time and really think about what I am doing. It's a weird time for me because of these handmade decorations.

I made these in 2008. I was still suffering from the aftermath of my miscarriage and I had just lost my job at Harrah's. I was lonely, and was questioning every relationship in my life.  I needed something to fill my days, so I become obsessed with painting these ornaments. I was so depressed, so every day I would wake up, watch Beverly Hills 90210 on repeat, paint these ornaments and eat my feelings. 

Not much takes me back to those dark days. For the most part, when I talk to others about the events of that fall and winter, I crack jokes about it. And honestly, I am over both things. But, looking at these ornaments every year reminds me of the sadness of it.  I was lower than I have ever been, and I didn't know how to crawl out of it. I'm not even sure I wanted to. Every year, when I unpack my Christmas decor and put up my tree, I look at these little projects and remember how dark that time was for me. 

Every year I struggle with whether or not to keep them or throw them out. They are scratched and there are marks all over them from being stored all together in a bag. I have plenty of other ornaments now, so my tree is full without them. But I keep them, and I add them to my tree every year. 

Yesterday I put all my ornaments on the tree, except for these. I laid them out and  carefully looked at each one. In a moment, I became that 28 year old girl again. Not sure of what I was doing, completely heartbroken, and completely void of who I was. 

As I carefully put a hook through the top of each one, I realized I want to keep these out, on my tree, where I can see them. I am such a different person now. I am happy, truly happy, and I have great people in my life who care about me. Something switched yesterday, and these ornaments no longer make me sad about what happened. They make me thankful for the events that have turned me into the person I am supposed to be. 

Pretty deep for things I bought at Hobby Lobby for ninety-seven cents each, huh?

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