Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Decisions and choices

***Warning....this blog entry is basically a long therapy session with myself. Stop reading if that doesn't interest you. I will get back to cussing and ridiculous lists tomorrow. ***

I mentioned that my legs have been killing me as of late, so yesterday I took a day off from running. But the weather was beautiful and I still wanted to do something, so I went on a nice long walk after work. When I go on walks, I prefer to listen to podcasts instead of music, so I cued up Jillian Michaels and took off.

This week Jillian opened up her show with a discussion about decisions and choices. She talked about how, for the most part, when you find yourself in a crappy situation or when things just seem to continually go wrong, it's because of a decision YOU make. Now, of course, this doesn't include situations like the death of a loved one, or a natural disaster that wipes away your house, or a life sucking cancer diagnosis. But just general, run of the mill shitty situations are usually brought on by a decision you make.

This really got me thinking. I am in some crappy situations right now. My mom launched an attack on me last week and I'm still dealing with that. I have a co-worker that I don't particularly enjoy spending time with. And I'm trying to train for a half marathon but my body is just rebelling against me.

So what is my role in each situation?

My mother - for years, I have let her guilt trip me into things. She gets so mad and says horrible things (time out...she doesn't say them, she texts them to me at warp speed) and then I say mean things back. That is one of my (many) downfalls - when provoked, I just try to think of the absolute meanest things to come back with. I do have a way with words, and sometimes I like to battle with them. However, this time around I didn't stoop to her level. I didn't respond to the horrible texts she sent me. I let four days go by with nothing, and then she texted me again - this time, her text was only 75% mean rather than the full 100%. I responded this time, but told her I needed to be left alone for awhile longer. That was two days ago, and she has respected that. I don't know how long this cold war will last, but I need to be left alone. I'm making the decision not to act like I normally do. Granted, I am already in this terrible situation because of past decisions - fighting back with horrible words, allowing her to manipulate and guilt me into things - but moving forward I can hopefully change the way it affects me.

Co-worker situation - ugh. This one sucks. But I am the one who let him get to me; I am the one who let him have so much power over my days and my situation. Over the past few weeks, I have tried to flip my attitude - I'm just minding my own. Doing my job, helping my students, and then going home. I plan to continue with that. I have learned in the past you just have to outlast shitty employees because these problems usually end up solving themselves in one way or another.

Running situation - This one is all on me. I am the one who decided to stop running (pretty much) after my first half. I am the one who packed on extra weight since then and now I am the one who has to run with that extra weight on legs that aren't used to it. So now I will make the decision to drop the weight and get back on this. However...I will run this half in October with my brother and sister and then I will retire from halfs. Not from running...but from 13 milers.

However, the flip side of this is that other people's decisions have put them in terrible situations, and they haven't listened to Jillian so they don't know they need to take ownership over it, stop acting like fucking victims, and get their shit together.

My mom STILL thinks she is the victim in her life. She thinks her kids are terrible because we don't act exactly how she wants us to. I could go on a mile long blog entry about all the decisions she has made that have put her in this place, but over the past two years she has lied, lied about lying, made up stories, fibbed....her pants are just permanently on fire.  She needs to take some ownership, grow the eff up, and realize that her decisions are why she is in the situations she is in.

Also, I don't talk about my dad's side of the family on this blog much, but due to decisions my grandma made in the last 25 years, (and decisions we made) we don't have a relationship with her. Numerous attempts have been made, but lies continue to hinder the relationship. I have two aunts on that side - one has stayed neutral, while the other has pled an undying alligience to her mother. Again, a decision she made. And again, odd, awkward interactions have happened over the years, but it always seems to end the same - some sort of blow out, usually filled with half truths, and then silence for awhile until the next blow up.

We are in the midst of the next blow up.

And I am making the decision not to react in any way. Because the truth of the matter is, I don't care. I'm numb to it. I have great people in my life, so I am making the decision not to let crap people dull my sparkle.

And cue the end of this ridiculous, therapy sounding like blog.


1 comment:

  1. I love the open honesty here. Did typing things out help you at all? Also, I'm looking into doing some podcasts for longer runs I have coming up. Any recs?

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