Thursday, April 10, 2014

Parental Advisory - Dad, don't read this

You've been warned.

Once there was this boy. He was pretty. Much prettier than me. And he definitely used more hair product than I do, which is something to be said considering the mane I have. I still, to this day, don't know why he was into me.

It must have been my sparkling personality.


We played grab ass for quite some time, then we hooked up a few times, and then, one morning, I woke up and decided I was done with him. I don't know how I can turn it off with some people but not others, but with this guy I was able to just shut down any feelings. Since we weren't in a relationship I didn't think I needed to actually "break up" with him. It was very, very casual so I thought I could just let it phase out.

It worked for awhile. I had to ignore some texts, but I was able to get a good solid amount of time to pass without seeing him. I assumed he would get the point and move on to his next victim.

This "break up" happened about five years ago, and as recently as a month ago, I had to ignore a booty call text.

What. The. Fuck.

The reason for this blog entry is not to make you all realize how irresistible I am. It is because I am seriously confused as to how a guy cannot get the point after all this time. Because, you see, I haven't always ignored the texts. I have given him some pretty lame excuses over the years...
  • I told him I was sick.
  • I told him I was busy with family stuff.
  • I told him I was having stomach issues and it was making me gassy.
  • I waited until the next day and told him I had lost my phone.
  • I told him I couldn't find my glasses so I wasn't able to drive anywhere.
  • I told him I couldn't drive in the rain.
  • I was on my period.
The thing is, none of those things (with the exception of the lost phone) (like I would really ever lose my phone) (it's literally two inches away from me at all times) were a lie. I was so empty of feelings that I just didn't care that he knew I was gassy.

One time, I decided to test him. When he sent his usual Saturday night text, I responded right away.

Him - "You out tonight?"
Me - "No, I'm at home. You can come over if you want, but we aren't hooking up."

I waited for a response with bated breath (is that even a word?). This was a huge test. If he said "no thanks", it means he is not even interested in me except for my hole(s).

My phone beeped. "I'll just catch you some other time."

No, sir, you won't.

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