Tuesday, February 11, 2014


I have been getting my period for 20 years, I just realized. 20 mother loving years. And guess what? With the exception of a handful of times, I FUCKING hate it when my monthly visitor comes a knocking on my vagina.

When I was in my teens, my period came whenever it wanted and that's why all my underwear looked like a battle field. In my early 20's, it was still a disaster, especially when I kept starting and stopping my birth control. Towards the end of my 20's, however, I finally got my shit together...I wasn't on birth control at all, and everything seemed to calm down. My periods lasted a day, maybe two, and they were awesome little gifts from God to remind me that I am woman.

Then my motherfucking 30's came.

Everything has been a clusterfuck since I hit the big 3-0.

I am emotional. I am bleeding like a wounded animal. I am bi-polar. One minute I love something, the next minute I want to stab it in the neck with a screwdriver. One minute I want to hug a homeless man, the next I want to punch a kitten in the throat and feed it to a tiger.

And the pain. Oh, that pain. The first two days of this monthly "gift" I am in the fetal position with  heating pad tucked into my pants and tucked under my boobs. Because wearing a bra at that time? Fuck no. My boobs are so sensitive that if someone touches them I will gut them like a fish. And then stroke their face and kiss their lips and tell them they are pretty.

The worst part of being on my period is having to live on the same planet with men. Fucking men.

"Please, like cramps are that bad. Grow a pair."

Um, I will kill you, Mr. Man. How about I stab you in the stomach 10 times with a butcher knife and then reach in and squeeze your organs a few times, and then ask you to walk around like everything is fine? Fuck you.

When I am on my period, my thoughts are a bit scattered:

"I fucking hate being a woman. I wish I was a man."
"I want to have sex. Now. With anyone."
"I want to eat everything. All of the foods, get in my belly."
"I am seriously losing all my blood. I have no blood left in my body."
"How much does it cost to change into a man?"
"Why am I alive and why is God punishing me?"
"How many more years until menopause?"
"At this point I would seriously consider getting pregnant just to get a break from this hell."

So...to quote Vada from the cinematic masterpiece My Girl...

"Go away! And don't come back for five to seven days!"

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