Today while I was sitting in a meeting, I got a text from a girlfriend telling me about a 31 party she is throwing. I love this friend dearly, but I have no interest in going to a 31 party. She has had several types of parties throughout the years, and she always invites me, and I never go. It made me wonder why she even likes me enough to continue inviting me...and then I got to thinking of all the annoying things about me that, for some reason, my friends put up with.
So I present to you...a list of disclaimers you should be aware of before agreeing to be my friend ***.
- As stated above, I hate any kind of party where merchandise is shown and I am expected to buy something. I don't like jewelry parties, candle parties, food parties, bag parties, etc. Usually I avoid this. Sometimes I will go, if I think the food will be good, or if Missy makes me. But for the most part, you can't be offended if I skip these.
- I also really dislike baby showers, wedding showers, bachelorette parties, and other events where a group of women who don't know each other are forced to hang out and play awkward games. Again, I will go to these events, but I dread them (but then I usually end up having a blast).
- Also, along those same lines, I absolutely, 100% DO NOT want any of those events thrown in my honor. If I get married or have kids, I want none of it. NONE. OF. IT.
- I am not into jewelry at all. I literally wear none of it. My ears aren't even pierced. Deal with it.
- That being said, I will never get excited about a wedding ring. Ever. If I ever get engaged, I don't want a ring, so I will never ask to see one, and I never know how to react to one. Every single ring I've ever been shown seems way too big to me. So I guess I just don't get it.
- I used to be quite a drinker, but I am really not anymore. It's mostly because I am so selfish with my days off that I don't want to waste one being hungover and pukey. Basically it's like this: once every 4 months or so, I will want to strap one on and get wasted. Other than that, I'm not going to. Please just deal with it.
- Also, I do not like clubs. I don't want to go out for an evening if I can't wear a tshirt. I will never get all dolled up or wear heels to go out. Take me to a sports bar, please.
- I get like super obsessive about things. I binge watch and binge listen to things once I develop an interest.
- There are a lot of movies I've never seen. Indiana Jones. Karate Kid. ET. Seven. Pulp Fiction. The Godfather.
- I am pretty perverted, and I have no filter. And I swear a lot. My last girls night out included conversations about nipple clamps, cock rings and flexing vaginas during sex. And the word fuck was said no less than 254 times in the course of four hours.
*** If you are currently my friend and one of the above items makes you want to revoke our friendship, too bad. You are stuck with me.