Tuesday, December 10, 2013

People I Want to Punch

When I was in college, I had a running list of people I wanted to punch. It was a joke in my dorm room - we kept an ongoing list, and although I never actually punched anyone, I did give some deadly glares and launched mean girl campaigns against them.

I have been in a fairly aggressive mood since the Nebraska-Iowa game, and then today I saw an entire blog called "People I want to Punch in the Throat"...so that made me think that maybe it's time to bring back my list. And therefore, I give you...people I want to punch (I won't specify the throat, any body part will do):

1. People who are criticizing Carrie Underwood and Stephen Moyer's rendition of The Sound of Music - people are saying it doesn't hold up to the original. Hey idiots...it wasn't supposed to. This is a stage version, not a freaking movie version. Plus, they never said they were trying to replace or beat out Julie Andrews...this was another version of it. You people are stupid, and you deserve to be punched. Quit being haters! Yes, I hate you haters.

2. People who want it to snow. You are dumb.

3. People who call their kids "mini-me" when their kids look nothing like them. Even if their kids look just like them, it's stupid to post all over facebook about your "mini-me". Hopefully your kids don't also replicate your dumb ass brain. I know of one person who has a kid who looks exactly like him, but other than him no one should use that stupid term.

4. While we are on that track, I also have to complain about parents who are stupid about this Elf on a Shelf thing. Now I can understand this creepy looking thing if it's just a simple Christmas tradition..like hiding it somewhere, letting your kids find him and then tell them "watch your fucking back, kid, that elf reports directly to Santa every time you're a shithead." But these moms...these stupid moms who put so much time and effort into it and have to post it all over their social media outlets...give me a break, dude. Who is this elf really pleasing? Cause I bet your kids don't give a shit.

5. People who do the "pay it forward" thing, but then post online about how great and giving they are. The point of pay it forward is to do it anonymously, so shut the fuck up.

6. People who post selfies that have nothing to do with the caption. Look...I get it. I am guilty of a selfie every now and then myself. I am a big fan of pictures in general. However...do I need a picture of you, in front of a mirror, in your bedroom, telling me "Happy Monday!" There is nothing about your face that shows me it's a Monday. Your face smiling (for, let's get real, probably the tenth take) doesn't make my Monday better. Even better are the people who say things like "It's a beautiful day!" and then post a picture of their perfect, instagrammed face. Are you telling me your face makes it a beautiful day? Cause it doesn't. And you're dumb.

7. People who talk to people on Facebook who don't have a Facebook. "Happy first birthday, baby girl, momma loves you more than you will ever know!" Oh, I'm sorry, your one year old has a Facebook? Will she add me? Or is she too busy shitting her pants and drooling to accept friend requests? Or maybe she's the smart one who hasn't been demented by social media yet and her parents are the idiots.

8. People who don't even attempt to park correctly because there is one inch of snow on the ground. Yellow lines are slightly covered? Just park that bitch where ever you want. Asshole.

Woah negative nelly! I will follow this up with a nicer blog post tomorrow.

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