Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Guilt trips

And cue the depressing blog entry for the week...

I have a problem, and it's getting worse as I get older.

I feel guilty all the time.

Not in my work life. I feel fairly confident in every aspect of my professional life, which makes no sense since my professional history is spotty and inconsistent.

I feel guilty all the time in my personal life. I never feel like I am helping enough, that I am a good enough friend. I think I need to always be around, to answer every text within a second of receiving it, to return every phone call. I would never ignore my friends or family. I am early to everything, even though that usually means I sit and wait because most everyone I hang out with is always late. But if I am late, I apologize profusely and feel guilty about it for hours.

This weekend I offered to help my sister by baby-sitting her kids while I am on Christmas break. Everyone in the room laughed at me, and my feelings were kinda hurt. I love my nephews, and I was just trying to be helpful.

On the drive home it was still nagging at me. I don't like being the butt of the family joke ever, let alone when it's my aunt-skills. Then I realized...I don't WANT to babysit my nephews over my Christmas break. I don't want to be responsible for anything during those two weeks off. I only offered because I felt guilty, because AJ got kicked out of his daycare (when that kid smiles I don't understand how anyone could dump him) and I knew Nicole would be in a pickle.

But it's not just that. I feel guilty if I have to cancel plans with friends. I feel bad when Nick texts me and I don't answer him right away. I feel bad if my mom calls and needs help with something and I can't help. I feel terrible when my Grandpa won't take my Grandma to buy new sweatpants, so I drive down to Glenwood to pick her up, just to turn around and drive back to Omaha to take her shopping. Then I drive her home.

It's not like this is all bad. I love spending time with my Grandma, she's in my top five favorite people. I love talking to Nick, so I want to answer his texts right away. But I don't know, something just snapped in me this weekend and I am really just done with putting extra effort into people who don't return the sentiments.

This may mean some weekends alone, but that's okay cause it's winter and my electric blanket does NOT make me feel guilty. Neither does Netflix.

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