Thursday, July 11, 2013

This is just me now

I have decided that on my 33rd birthday, I am putting old fat Jen away and never looking back.

At one time, I had lost 90 pounds. I basically have been maintaining for about a year now, but right now I am about 7-8 pounds up. What can I say? I love me some desserts, doritos and warm chocolate chip cookies.

I am actually working right now to lose those 8 or 9 (or maybe 10) pounds and get back to my fighting weight. But to be completely honest, I'm not really concerned about it. I still fit into all my clothes, and I know it's impossible because I'm 10 (or 11) pounds up, but I FEEL skinnier. So who knows what is going on. My body feels healthy. My medium tshirts still fit. All my pants still fit.  That scale is a sonofabitch sometimes.

I know people get annoyed when I talk about my diet and my weight loss. I know they think I am ridiculous when I talk about running. But those people don't get it. They weren't fat. I was fat. I am still fat in my heart. There are some days when it takes every ounce of willpower I have not to binge eat the shit out of everything bad for me. I want to go to Arbys, then Taco Bell, then Pizza Hut, then Don and Millies. And then I want Cheesecake Factory for dessert. I want to inhale calories without even tasting them. I want to sit on my couch and eat until I am so full I want to puke. I am still a binge eater at my core, and it takes time and energy every single day not to fall back into old habits and let Fat Jen win.

However, it's time to move on. I am never going to be Fat Jen again. I refuse. So it's time to say goodbye to her.

Starting when I turn 33, I am no longer going to consider myself 90 pounds lighter (well...maybe 80). I am just ME. This is who I am. This is what I weigh. Any amount of weight I lose (or gain) after I turn 33 is a fresh start. I need to truly throw those 90 pounds away and not look back at them. So I will weigh in on my 33rd birthday and that is just it. It's not up or down from anything, it's just what I weigh.

I need serious therapy for so many issues, but my body/weight issues is def at the top of the "things I need to talk to a shrink about" list. My body consumes 60% of my thoughts every day. It's a constant struggle - Can I eat that? How can I work it off? Do I need to take a rest day? Can I drink a full throttle soda? But I think putting Fat Jen away and truly accepting that this is my body, this is me, and I worked hard to look this way will help me in this process.

So the comparison albums on this blog and on facebook will be gone once I turn 33. No looking back. No getting fat. No back fat.

1 comment:

  1. Wow. This is a great idea. I'm anxious to see how it changes your perspective.

    Likewise, I'm about 5 lbs. heavier than I was six months ago, but I feel like I'm actually in better shape. I'm choosing to tell myself it's muscle. :)