This blog entry could easily be filed under the "things I learned the hard way" series, however there was no common theme to the many things I learned while in a "relationship" with Toby.
I met Toby when I was 23. We worked in the same office, but he was above me on the chain of command. I had a crush on him instantly. He wasn't exactly hot, but he was confident and arrogant and bossy and demanding. Everything a 23 year old wants in a man. He was five years older than me and had been in the industry for awhile, so he kinda took me under his wing. He lived with his girlfriend and his son. He was just the distraction I needed, because I had recently suffered from the worst heartbreak of my life.
There are so many memories from my crush that stayed innocent. He would flirt with me - hide my soda, come up behind me and tickle me while I was standing at the printer, call me on the days I was off work. I did a lot for him - envelope stuffing and licking, writing letters, working his events - because I was desperate for any ounce of his attention. He knew I loved him and he took full advantage.
Then he invited me out with him. We went to a hockey game, and then we drove around. I told him I had to get going, cause I had a party to get to in Glenwood. He kinda looked at me funny. "Why didn't you invite me to go with you?" Heart stop. Heart pounding. "Ummm...you would go with me?" I asked, timidly. I wanted him to go with me more than anything. I wanted to be seen with him. He gave me that ridiculous grin and nodded yes. So off to Glenwood we went, and he charmed all my friends the same way he charmed me. I was completely smitten.
Things stayed innocent for quite some time. We hung out all the time. We watched movies and cuddled. We were together during every work shift. He knew everything about me. I was completely devoted to him, even though he lived with his girlfriend. I was like his little lap dog, but I loved every minute of it. I was so into this guy, even though none of my friends could figure out why. He wasn't very nice to me, and he was in a relationship with someone else. But I couldn't help it. I would drop anything to do what he wanted. I listened to his music and only became interested in his hobbies. I craved his attention and was 100% obsessed with him.
Then we went to Vegas. It was a work trip, but there was hardly any working. I kind of assumed something would finally happen on this trip. However, he found some other girl while we were there and spent the entire time chatting her up. I was so angry. I started a fight with him. He screamed at me. I screamed at him. And then he kissed me. Finally, FINALLY, he kissed me.
And then the worst, most unhealthy part of our relationship started. We would have sex, and then he would mumble some bullshit about it being wrong and leave. My obsession with him became sick. He got 100% of my attention. I wanted him so badly. By this time, he and his girlfriend had broken up and I was just pretending he was my boyfriend. We were together all the time, and we were spending nights together. One night I tried to ask him what "this" was, and he jumped out of bed and said he wasn't ready for that talk and left.
Then, for about a week, he got shady. Didn't answer calls or texts. Finally, one night I called and he answered. "What are you doing?" I demanded.
"I'm out." He said he was at the bar we always went to together.
"Why didn't you invite me?"
"Do you really want to play third wheel on my date?"
Heart sank. My eyes watered. "Date?" I sputtered,trying desperately to sound like I wasn't crying.
"Yes, I'm here with Stacy."
"Wait, when did you start dating Stacy?" I was so confused. Like we had literally spent the night together one week earlier.
"It's new. I have to go."
"Wait, Toby..." I couldn't figure out how to say what I needed to say. "I thought we were kinda...you know..."
"What, you thought we were dating?" He laughed. "Jen, I don't date girls like you."
I knew this was gonna hurt. "Girls like what?"
My eyes flooded with tears and I hung up on him.