Monday, May 20, 2013

How to gain weight

All over the internet, you can find thousands of theories and advice on how to lose weight - so I thought I would share with you all how to GAIN weight, if that's what you're into. I consider myself an expert at this.

  • Eat fast food for lunch at least three times a week. And supersize that bitch. And add something from the dollar menu.
  • Don't push yourself, ever, to work out. If you go on walks, leisurely stroll. Don't work up a sweat, for crying out loud.
  • Avoid water. Drink anything else. Especially full throttle soda.
  • Snack all day. And make it good snacks - chips, cookies, ice cream...don't waste time on anything healthy.
  • You know what makes a really good night? Fried, crispy foods, in front of the TV. Extra points if that fried, crispy food is partnered with a side of cheese covered carbs.
  • Drink beer. A lot of beer. 
  • And after you drink all that beer, run through McDonalds, even if you aren't hungry. It'll help you not be hungover in the morning.
  • Stay up all night. Seriously. It helps.
  • Stress out ALL THE TIME. Stress eating is fake. 
  • If your friends decide to try to lose weight or get in shape, laugh at them. Do not be supportive. And for God's sake, do not join in on the healthy craze. 
  • Breakfast is for losers. Do not be a loser.

1 comment:

  1. This is hilarious! You pretty much described my life to the tee before I lost weight ;)

    ReplyDelete