Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The night my apartment blew up

Okay, so my apartment didn't actually blow up. But this is kinda weird.

When I walked out to my car Tuesday morning, I saw a penny on the ground next to my jeep. It wasn't heads up. I didn't pick it up, although in my head I was thinking I should. Grandpa Wilson always picked up change, so my family and I take loose change on the ground as a "sign" from him. However, work has been sucking so bad lately I didn't want to risk picking up a non-heads-up penny.

When I got home Tuesday night, the penny was still there. I took that as a sign that Gramps was trying to get my attention, so I picked it up this time. 

I walked into my apartment and found a note from my maintenance guy - he had come in during the day to fix my broken dishwasher, air conditioner and garbage disposal. His note said he couldn't fix anything and would be back the next day. Suckfest.

I changed my clothes and went out for a run. I was almost back to my apartment when my phone rang. It was my landlord, so I answered and she was kinda freaking out. 

"Jen! Where are you? There's been a fire. I mean, everything is fine, your stuff is fine. But your air conditioner blew up."

My ability to delay bad reactions kicked in, and I just asked "Wait, like there was a fire truck there?" 

She seemed weirded out that a question about a fire truck was my first question. "Yes, Jen there was two. Can you come here to talk to me? Where are you?"

I told her I would be there in a minute, and I ran as fast as I could to the office. Basically the air conditioner blew, but luckily the handy man was inside my building and heard it. He ran down and saved everything. 

Later that night, when I was sitting on my couch, I got to thinking. I'm fairly certain picking up my penny outside was Grandpa watching out for me. If I had been sitting in my apartment when that thing blew up, I would have cried big tears. I mean, if your apartment is going to blow up, the best way for it to happen is when you aren't even home, right?

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Running tears

I read a lot of blogs written by women trying to lose weight, trying to live healthy, and who are runners. I can relate to so many things they write about, but one thing I have never understood...

...these women RUN until they CRY.

I don't mean they run for miles and miles until they finally just burst into tears. I mean they hit some sort of emotion, some sort of fury within themselves that causes them to leak through their eyeballs.

I have never been there. I think I push myself during every single run, but I have never been moved to the point of tears.

Until yesterday.

I went out with the intention to run seven miles. That's what was up on my workout schedule, and I was dreading it and came up with every reason in the world why I shouldn't have to do it. Finally, I decided just to go get it done, because that way I a. wouldn't have to do it after work today and b. could sit at my pool and dunk my feet in it afterwards.

So I got started on my stupid run. I ran and ran and ran. I hit one mile, then two, then three, then four. That's when EVERYTHING started to SUCK.

I was lost. I mean, not really lost, because I had an iPhone tucked into my sports bra (no, I don't have a cool armband), but I had never been in this neighborhood and it was HILLY. Every single turn I made I found myself at the bottom of a hill. I don't even know how that's possible. But it's true. I ran and ran until I saw a busy street a few blocks up, and I ran towards it thinking it was Q Street.

I had somehow gotten turned around. It was Harrison. I felt like I was miles away from my house, and I wanted to cry. I finally, FINALLY, had ran until I wanted to cry.

Then I got angry. I have two working legs and a healthy body, and I'm CRYING? Quit being a pussy, JWil, and run your fat ass home.

I ran and ran and hit six miles at my driveway. I thought about turning in and cutting my run short, but instead I ran past and did a one mile loop. I ran that last mile so fast - I wanted this freaking run OVER! And I hadn't actually broke into tears, I only wanted to. I also thought for a split second about calling Nick and having him drive down Harrison and scoop me up, but I opted against that.

Next week is my eight mile run. I have this gut feeling actual tears may fall that day.

I'm still alive

Just a quick note to let you all know I'm still alive. I just spend so much of my time on a computer at work that I hate it with every inch of my being and refuse to be on one at home. So during my three day weekend I don't even think I opened my laptop. I'm actually not exactly sure where it is.

I will force myself to blog tonight though. Maybe. Or tomorrow.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Once upon a time...

... I had a tumor in my neck.
It was huge, the size of an egg, in fact.


And then I had it removed. Being in the hospital sucked major ass.

 And I was terrified of my scar.


And now, one year later, look at that tumor free neck!!

 Happy anniversary to me. And here's to another year of no neck tumors (follow up appointments in September!)

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Things I hate about being a girl

1. Having to, like, plan my outfits. I usually wake up like ten minutes before my alarm goes off, and I spend that time in bed trying to figure out what I'm going to wear and what shoes will go with it. Also, no matter what the temperature is outside, I will be the opposite of that at my desk. So I need to plan on layers to be removed for the winter, and layers to add in the summer. Don't tell me that guys do this, because I will not believe you.

2. I also have to plan what to do with my hair. Curly or straight? Bangs up or down? How did my sleep affect my style for the day? If I wear it straight, will I have that weird crease throughout my head from my pony tail last night? Do I need to dry shampoo it this morning? Does it smell like yesterday?

3. While the power and ability to bear children is awesome (although my body sucks at it), the responsibility sucks. I have to somehow remember to take a little pill every morning. If I mess up, my body rebels against me and starts bleeding, cramping and basically falling apart. I know there are other birth control options, but NO. Don't get me wrong...I will continue to do this because it's worth it. I don't to be pregnant. But damn.

4. And while we are on the subject, I am a complete psycho once a month. PMS never used to affect me this bad, but once I turned 32 everything went to shit. Seriously. I don't get it either. Now once a month I am hormonal, I cry, I get irrationally angry and I just need attention. All. The. Time.

5. I feel like I am torn between being completely dependent and independent. I have lived on my own for...nine years now, and at this point I can't even imagine splitting bills/depending on someone to help me live. I always will be able to take care of myself. However, I want a guy around to take out the trash and change my light bulbs.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Judy Blume

It's no secret to anyone who knows me well that I was a huge nerd as a child. I LOVED reading - like loved loved it. I kinda love it as an adult, but my attention span is just spent so I have to really be into a book in order to commit the time to reading the whole thing. I probably have 20 books on my shelf right now that I haven't even read. But my memories of my childhood can best be explained through my love for the Baby-sitters Club, Beverly Cleary and Judy Blume.

Judy Blume! Are you kidding me! Everything I know about being a woman I learned from that woman. What a brilliant lady.

Judy's book Tiger Eyes is being made into a movie. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I am so excited. So of course, this got me obsessive compulsive about Judy, so I started googling and wiki-ing everything about her. When I got to the list of her books, I knew I needed to get my hands on them to give them another read through.

So off to the library I went. I checked out a few Blume books. It's SO FUNNY how different these books are to read as an adult.

Deenie: Deenie is the story of a young girl whose mother is kinda a bitch. She wants Deenie to be a model, and she wants Deenie's sister to be a doctor. She is like a crazy stage mom, way before Toddlers and Tiaras made these bitches famous. Deenie is a nice enough girl, and she has these two best friends who probably won't be her friends for much longer. One of them is bigger than everyone and an athlete, and the other is just kinda a bitch and will probably get pregnant in high school. Deenie finds out early in the book that she has scoliosis and has to wear a huge brace for four years. (This book is how I found out about that disease, and I spent about a year of my childhood convinced I had it.) She and her mother act like this is the end of the world. I understand it would suck, but hey crazy, at least it's not cancer. I cannot get on board with the way her mother acts throughout this entire book. Deenie and her sister for sure quit speaking to her as soon as they were able to move out, and hopefully their dad divorces the twit.

Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret: Poor Margaret. Her mom is Catholic and her dad is Jewish, so they decided to raise her with no religion. To most kids this wouldn't be a big deal, but Margaret likes to talk to God so she goes to all these churches trying to figure out what religion she wants to be and to "find" God. She just moved to a new neighborhood and is immediately thrown into a club with three other girls. First of all, lucky her - she moves to a new town and doesn't have to deal with the stress of making friends, because her neighbor girl Nancy just immediately includes her. This makes Nancy sound nice, but she's kinda a bitch. She  lies all the time and tries to be more grown up than she really is. She even goes as far as to lie to Margaret about when she starts her period so that Margaret feels like a baby. She also tells Margaret that "reputations are contagious" so she better not hang out with the well endowed girl in school. What a bitch.

Just as Long as We're Together: This is the story of Steph, who has a best friend Rachel, who is a perfect 13 year old girl. She is beautiful, smart, talented and she gets her period. Steph is kinda a mess, not very smart, and has a binge eating problem which leads to the boys at school calling her El Chunko. A new girl moves to town, Alison, and the three of them become best friends. But then Steph's parents decide to separate (they had been living apart for like six months...not exactly sure how this came as a shocker) and Rachael's mom tells her before Steph wants her friends to know. So Rachel is just sitting and stewing, waiting for Rachel to tell her. Meanwhile, Allison and Steph get closer, so Rachel just keeps getting more pissed. Then they fight and then they make up. The end. The best part of this book? When Rachel tells the other two that if boys have hairy legs it means they are sexually experienced.

Tiger Eyes: This book was the most "mature" of the books I checked out from the library. Tiger (Davey) is 15 and her father is MURDERED. I can't imagine. Her, her brother and her mother take turns having meltdowns which leads them to New Mexico to stay with an aunt/uncle until they can get their shit together. The aunt and uncle are rich, but completely controlling. Davey spends a lot of time hiking and meets Wolf. It's romantic, although nothing sexual happens. They need each other. I am excited to see how they put this on the big screen.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Another weekend!

When I was explaining this blog to a friend, I told him "it's not like a blog where I just write about what I did over the weekend. I write like essays."

I'm such a liar.

Here's what I did this weekend.

Friday:
I left work at 4:30p. I just couldn't do it anymore. I met Janelle for dinner at Jason's Deli (getting yet another person on board with my Jason's addiction - I love having a list of friends I can rotate through - at this rate, I will have someone to eat there with me every weekend!). Then we kinda wandered around some stores. I want to spend an obsene amount of time in a bookstore very soon. Or put my library card to good use. I can feel an extreme dorkfest is going to be happening very soon. After that, I went home and ran four miles. It actually wasn't bad. I only felt like I could die for a little bit.

Saturday: I got up and got my run out of the way. I ran straight down Q street, turned around and ran back. It SUCKED. SUCKED SUCKED SUCKED. I really wanted that route to work out, but it is not going to. So hilly. So busy. I have to run over the interstate which made me want to cry. Never again. After that, I went to the Apple store bc my iPhone camera just stopped working, and we all know that won't work out. I had to set an appointment with a genius a few hours later, so I ran to pop some tags while I waited. I scored some loot, then went back to Village Point to visit some Coaches and drink some coffee. When I met with my genius at Apple, he gave me a new iPhone! HOLLA. After that I went to another Goodwill (seriously addicted) and then to HyVee.

Sunday: I went with Nick and the boys to cheer Hannah on at her first half marathon. I want to run one so bad, I just have to work up the nerve. It was awesome. After that, I met Kate for lunch and then we went to Sewer City for Soph's birthday party. It rained like a bitch on the drive home, and of course my dad was on his motorcycle. Crazy old man.  When I got home, I watched the Billboard Music Awards, developed an unknown hate for Justin Bieber, and realized I am OLD AS SHIT.

How to gain weight

All over the internet, you can find thousands of theories and advice on how to lose weight - so I thought I would share with you all how to GAIN weight, if that's what you're into. I consider myself an expert at this.

  • Eat fast food for lunch at least three times a week. And supersize that bitch. And add something from the dollar menu.
  • Don't push yourself, ever, to work out. If you go on walks, leisurely stroll. Don't work up a sweat, for crying out loud.
  • Avoid water. Drink anything else. Especially full throttle soda.
  • Snack all day. And make it good snacks - chips, cookies, ice cream...don't waste time on anything healthy.
  • You know what makes a really good night? Fried, crispy foods, in front of the TV. Extra points if that fried, crispy food is partnered with a side of cheese covered carbs.
  • Drink beer. A lot of beer. 
  • And after you drink all that beer, run through McDonalds, even if you aren't hungry. It'll help you not be hungover in the morning.
  • Stay up all night. Seriously. It helps.
  • Stress out ALL THE TIME. Stress eating is fake. 
  • If your friends decide to try to lose weight or get in shape, laugh at them. Do not be supportive. And for God's sake, do not join in on the healthy craze. 
  • Breakfast is for losers. Do not be a loser.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Billboard Music Awards

The Billboard Music Awards are this Sunday, and, as usual, I'm pretty damnit pumped for an awards show. I think for awards shows I will start predicting winners on my blog, and then if I am spot on maybe one of my readers could pay me like one million dollars for my correct predictions. I'll let you guys decide who will do that.

2013 Billboard Music Award Nominees

Top Artist:
Justin Bieber - No, he is too much of a mess anymore.
Maroon 5 - I think these guys should win. You know. Adam Levine and those other guys.
One Direction - Just no.
Rihanna - She is too hard for me to look at.
Taylor Swift - I super love my Tay Swift, so I wouldn't be upset with this one, either.

 Top Hot 100 Song:
“Some Nights,” Fun. - Nah.
“Somebody That I Used To Know,” Gotye feat. Kimbra - I think this song will win. It's just so different and damn, does it get stuck in your head.
“Call Me Maybe,” Carly Rae Jepsen - This would be MY pick if I got to decide.
“One More Night,” Maroon 5 - Again, I love Adam Levine and those other guys. This song makes me want to hump something hard.
“Payphone,” Maroon 5 feat. Wiz Khalifa - Dry humping my chair right now.

Top Billboard 200 Album:
21, Adele - Let's all just agree to be done awarding Adele for this album. No more awards for Adele until she has a new album! Deal? Deal.
Babel, Mumford & Sons - No.
Take Me Home, One Direction - No.
Up All Night, One Direction - NO.
Red, Taylor Swift - Let's give Tay this one. This album is thebomb.com.

Top Duo/Group:
Coldplay - Know how I know you're gay?
Fun. - I'm assuming these guys will win. And it would be fun to see Lena Dunham going banana sandwich when they do.
Maroon 5 - All I can think of is sex right now.
Mumford & Sons - Nah.
One Direction - Let's not.

Top New Artist:
Gotye - I feel like these peeps will be a one hit wonder. Next...
Carly Rae Jepsen - Probably not.
The Lumineers - I'm guessing this group will win.
One Direction - Are they even still new?
PSY - Seriously? No.

Top Male Artist:
Jason Aldean - It would be awesome if this drunky drunk won.
Justin Bieber - Is he even male yet?
Drake - No. I'm angry with him bc Amanda Bynes wants him to murder her vagina, and I feel if he would have just agreed, I could have my awesome Amanda back.
Flo Rida - No.
Bruno Mars - NO.

Top Female Artist:
Adele - again, not until you come up with another album, sweetie pie.
Carly Rae Jepsen - No.
Nicki Minaj - NO. Is she even female?
Rihanna - No.
Taylor Swift - That leaves you, my sweet magical Tay.

Top 100 Artist:
Flo Rida - I'm so confused with that these categories even mean. I'm just going to go with....
Fun. .....
Maroon 5 - these guys.
Rihanna - Sorry
Taylor Swift - ladies.

Top Billboard 200 Artist:
Adele - What the fuck is this category? I will give this one to.....
Justin Bieber .....
Mumford & Sons .......
One Direction - these guys because their foreign asses should win something.
Taylor Swift - Sorry Tay, I know you dated one of them. Write a song about it.

Top Digital Songs:
Flo Rida - I don't know what a digital song is. Let's give it to.....
Fun. ........
Carly Rae Jepsen - Carly. Call me, Maybe seems pretty digital.
Maroon 5 - Sorry lover.
Taylor Swift - Sorry, friend.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Weekend wrap up (that sounds so stupid)

I think weekend wrap up posts are kinda g.a.y., but whatevs. I'm going to do it, because I had a busy weekend and I want to remember it, but also because this is my blog and not yours so suck it.

So Friday I had to work a full day and then go and help at MCC's graduation ceremony. I had helped with Kaplan's ceremony like five times, so this had to be the same right?

Ummm. Nope. We had over 700 students walking. At Kaplan's last ceremony, we had 40. Ridic. But I found out that no matter what the size of the ceremony is, I love graduations. It made me feel good, like I actually am in the right industry.

After that, it was off to McFly's for Julie's birthday party, which really just meant I sat in the corner with a select few and judged the shit out of everyone around me. Very much a lot of fun.

Saturday morning I got up and headed to pick up Missy for the color run. I got almost to her house and realized I forgot my bib, so I hurried back home to grab it, but it def was not needed. There was no timers, no records, no nothing at this race. It was just to have a good time. Here's our before shot...

And our after...
This race was SO fun. I will for sure do it again, even though I am still cleaning green color out from my ears.

After the run, I went to Glenwood to beat my brother at bean bags and eat dinner with my family. I wound up binge eating chocolate chip cookies. What can I say, warm cookies straight out of the oven are my kryptonite.

Sunday was Mothers' Day, so Kate and I took Mom to lunch at the Mexican restaurant in the wood and then went to Nicole's for a tiny bit, then I went home. 

I need one more weekend day per week.

Revenge

Okay, I'm super glad Mother's Day is over so I can stop being angry. Here's to hoping by this time next year, my friend is either super pregnant or dealing with a newborn. Or she can be a little pregnant, just get that chick a baby, God. And my friend who can't have kids at all - well, let's hope she comes to better terms with it, or decides to explore other options.

ANYWHO - yesterday I was a combination of exhausted and under the weather, so I spent a lot of time on my couch. I watched last week's Revenge, followed by this week's two hour season finale.

The season finale was AMAZING. I have to admit - this season I was kinda falling off the Revenge wagon. But damn it if it didn't win me back last night. I was crying/screaming/snotting all over the place. It was SO GOOD. I hate the Grayson's SO MUCH. I want to be Amanda Clark/Emily Thorne SO BADLY. She's so badass. I cannot extend the amount of revengy type behavior that she does, because 1. my brain doesn't work like that and 2. I don't have balls of steel. But still. She is hardcore.



Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mothers Day just kinda sucks

I know this entry will offend most, but this blog isn't to please anyone but myself.

Mothers Day just kinda sucks. Don't get me wrong. I love and appreciate my mom, my stepmom, and my sisters and friends who are mothers. I love spending time with them, and I admire and respect their mothering skills.

But this day sucks. Talk about a slap in the face to the people who can't be mothers, or who tried and failed, or who want to and can't. I have two close friends who would give their left breasts to be mothers, but they can't do it. And today I'm supposed to be celebrating mothers who didn't even try, or didn't want to get pregnant and somehow ended up with beautiful children?

Hi, bitter Jen. Hopefully you're gone tomorrow. For today, I will celebrate the mothers in my own family, and pray extra hard that something works out for my friends who want to get knocked up.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

The story of "Toby" Part 2

It was easy, somehow, to get over Toby. I just kinda moved on. At times I missed him, but never enough to get really sad over him. I guess hearing him call me "bigger" and laugh at the thought of dating me just broke me enough to be over him.

Of course I had other distractions, who were much nicer to me and didn't seem to care about my size. That helped.

Toby and Stacy got engaged. I found out when I was working a booth at a bridal show. I saw Stacy out of the corner of my eye. She spotted me, too,  and saw an opportunity. She knew exactly who I was, and how in awe of Toby I used to be. I greeted her when she approached my booth.

"Did you hear Toby and I are engaged?" She cackled. She was (is) such a bitch. "Yeah, we're doing a destination wedding in Hawaii!"

"That's great!" I said. It didn't hurt me nearly as bad as I thought it would. I guess he really did just break me. But I knew, that minute, that he would never marry her. A destination wedding in Hawaii? That is so not Toby's taste. I wasn't even ever his girlfriend, but I knew that much about him.

Months went by. Then years. He was a past thought, a remember when (as in "remember when I was obsessed with Toby? Remember when Toby held me captive at a bar cause he thought I was into another guy?") Then one random night, I was in Washington with my aunt watching football and his team was playing. I sent him a facebook message (for some reason we were friends) just to say hi. He answered back within five seconds. We went back and forth a bit that night. Then, a few days later, while I was waiting to board my flight, I got a text from his number (cause it was embedded into my brain, so I knew it was him). He called me that night after I made it home.

Get ready. That night, when he called, it wasn't to catch up, or to apologize for treating my heart like monkey meat. It was to tell me that the pictures I posted while I was in Washington were not flattering. But, since I was not the meek, desperate, infatuated girl I once was, I fired back at him.

"Are you kidding me? We haven't spoke in years, and the first thing you do is tell me that I'm fat in my pictures? I have lost 58 pounds, Toby, and I'm working really hard at it!"

That sparked his interest. He asked a billion questions about my weight loss and how much more I wanted to lose. He wanted to know my diet and exercise schedule. I asked a billion questions about his ex-fiance (called it) and the wedding that never happened. He had nothing to say about that.

He called or texted daily after that. He wanted to hang out. I didn't. I just kept coming up with excuses until finally I agreed to hang out with him on New Years Eve.

He pulled out all the stops. Fancy meal, champagne, dancing and pretty much begging me to stay over. I did not. We hung out a few more times, and he was saying all the right things. He was being romantic; making food especially for me, watching movies/television he knew I wanted to watch. He quit his bad habits, telling me I was part of the reason he was giving up his vices. He told me his mom thought I was pretty, which meant he was showing pictures of me to his family. He wanted me to move closer to him. (I feel it important to mention at this point that there was no hanky panky happening AT ALL). He started asking me on real dates, and I couldn't help but wonder: why wasn't he like this years ago? If he had been this wonderful years ago, we would be married right now.

Duh, Jen, you know why: because you used to be FAT. He will only give you the time of day now because you're not plus size, because you can run a mile without stopping, and you don't need five hooks on your bra. That's when I realized every compliment was laced with a put down. "It's awesome you're getting your masters degree. But what are you really going to do with it?" "Yeah, it's great you keep losing weight. But are you going to get skin removal surgery? A tummytuck? A boob job? You're going to need a lift of some sort."

I realized nothing had changed with him, but I was different. I was a girl who had been laid off twice, spent ten weeks unemployed, lost a baby, was almost done with my degree, lost a ton of weight and was pretty much an all around bad ass. I was not going to stand for the bullshit anymore. Then I went in for my tumor removal surgery, and he did not call or text for almost a month. It's like I was good enough when I was just the meek girl who followed him around, but when I was strong and had my own issues to deal with, he couldn't be bothered with it.

Finally he did text. And I let him have it. I told him I didn't want to date him, ever. I was hurt at his lack of compassion with my major surgery. He fired back with the longest text I have ever received, telling me how selfish I am, and self centered, and what a bad friend/person I am.

I responded with a simple "ok". I couldn't be bothered with a guy who laughed at the thought of dating me at my biggest, only showed interest when I lost some pounds, and somehow managed to turn this whole thing around so that I was the bad guy.

And that is the end of the story.  (No, seriously, it's the end. No repeats.)

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

The story of "Toby" Part 1

This blog entry could easily be filed under the "things I learned the hard way" series, however there was no common theme to the many things I learned while in a "relationship" with Toby.

I met Toby when I was 23. We worked in the same office, but he was above me on the chain of command. I had a crush on him instantly. He wasn't exactly hot, but he was confident and arrogant and bossy and demanding. Everything a 23 year old wants in a man. He was five years older than me and had been in the industry for awhile, so he kinda took me under his wing. He lived with his girlfriend and his son. He was just the distraction I needed, because I had recently suffered from the worst heartbreak of my life.

There are so many memories from my crush that stayed innocent. He would flirt with me - hide my soda, come up behind me and tickle me while I was standing at the printer, call me on the days I was off work. I did a lot for him - envelope stuffing and licking, writing letters, working his events - because I was desperate for any ounce of his attention. He knew I loved him and he took full advantage.

Then he invited me out with him. We went to a hockey game, and then we drove around. I told him I had to get going, cause I had a party to get to in Glenwood. He kinda looked at me funny. "Why didn't you invite me to go with you?" Heart stop. Heart pounding. "Ummm...you would go with me?" I asked, timidly. I wanted him to go with me more than anything. I wanted to be seen with him. He gave me that ridiculous grin and nodded yes. So off to Glenwood we went, and he charmed all my friends the same way he charmed me. I was completely smitten.

Things stayed innocent for quite some time. We hung out all the time. We watched movies and cuddled. We were together during every work shift. He knew everything about me. I was completely devoted to him, even though he lived with his girlfriend. I was like his little lap dog, but I loved every minute of it. I was so into this guy, even though none of my friends could figure out why. He wasn't very nice to me, and he was in a relationship with someone else. But I couldn't help it. I would drop anything to do what he wanted. I listened to his music and only became interested in his hobbies. I craved his attention and was 100% obsessed with him.

Then we went to Vegas. It was a work trip, but there was hardly any working. I kind of assumed something would finally happen on this trip. However, he found some other girl while we were there and spent the entire time chatting her up. I was so angry. I started a fight with him. He screamed at me. I screamed at him. And then he kissed me. Finally, FINALLY, he kissed me.

And then the worst, most unhealthy part of our relationship started. We would have sex, and then he would mumble some bullshit about it being wrong and leave. My obsession with him became sick. He got 100% of my attention. I wanted him so badly. By this time, he and his girlfriend had broken up and I was just pretending he was my boyfriend. We were together all the time, and we were spending nights together. One night I tried to ask him what "this" was, and he jumped out of bed and said he wasn't ready for that talk and left.

Then, for about a week, he got shady. Didn't answer calls or texts. Finally, one night I called and he answered. "What are you doing?" I demanded.

"I'm out." He said he was at the bar we always went to together.
"Why didn't you invite me?"
"Do you really want to play third wheel on my date?"
Heart sank. My eyes watered. "Date?" I sputtered,trying desperately to sound like I wasn't crying.
"Yes, I'm here with Stacy."
"Wait, when did you start dating Stacy?" I was so confused. Like we had literally spent the night together one week earlier.
"It's new. I have to go."
"Wait, Toby..." I couldn't figure out how to say what I needed to say. "I thought we were kinda...you know..."
"What, you thought we were dating?" He laughed. "Jen, I don't date girls like you."
I knew this was gonna hurt. "Girls like what?"
"Bigger girls."
My eyes flooded with tears and I hung up on him.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

I wish I had something interesting to say...

but I don't. Life is just kinda happening, ya know?

I get up. I go to work. I come home, run, eat, watch TV and go to bed.

I mean, don't get me wrong, fun things have been happening. I finally got dessert at Hu Hot (cheesecake ragoons - not worth it). I have started half marathon training. I had a Cinco De Mayo celebration with Missy and Katie.

But everything is just kind of...ya know...content lately. No drama. No excitement. No problems.

I don't think I should blog if I don't have anything to say, but I also want to keep this thing interesting to my reader(s). So I am trying my damnest to come up with something interesting to say. I have racked my brain for to continue the "Things I've Learned the Hard Way" series, but I'm finding the ones I can think of are not blog appropriate (like "never wear a tampon to the hospital" and "never take your birth control every other month").

So basically, I am just going to note here the things that I have coming up that are exciting and will be worthy of a blog entry:

  • This Saturday is a color run, and I am on a team with Nick, Hannah, Missy, Janelle and others. That should be fun, right?
  • A lot of awesome Cove shows this summer - Cheap Trick, Bush, LL, She and Him...should be a good summer.
  • BRET MICHAELS on June 29!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Slumber party in June with my nieces and nephew. Four. Of. Them.

Friday, May 3, 2013

I haven't even read it yet...

All over the blog world, I am seeing people reviewing the book Honey, Do You Need a Ride? Confessions of a Fat Runner" by Jennifer Graham.

I am sure I will read this book. The reviews make it sound funny. However, I am a little worried to read it since her "fat" weight is below my goal weight, and her "slow" time is no where near a time/distance I will ever run.

However, even though I may not be able to relate to everything this woman writes, I think I will understand the gist of it.

I will never forget the feelings I felt when I first started running. I was at the gym the first night I tried it. Up until that point I had only been walking on the treadmill. I would incline that bitch up to the sky, but I never sped up to go faster than a brisk walk. Finally, one night in Feb 2012, I sped it up just to see if I even could run.

I ran for about 30 seconds and died. Then I walked a bit, and tried again. 60 seconds. I made it up to 2 minutes that night and felt an incredible surge like I hadn't felt before during a workout.

After that, I shared my urge to run with my personal trainer. Heather ran marathons, half marathons, relay marathons...she was the shit. She told me to buy a better pair of shoes (she actually looked at the shoes I was wearing that day in disgust and said "Um, do not try to run in those") and from that point on, she asked about my running every single time I saw her.

My fears of running weren't about the actual physical act of running. They weren't about being able to do it, or my breathing, or injuring myself. No. Those fears would make sense. These were my thoughts, that were running through my head each and every time I ran (I wish I was exaggerating this):

"You are SO FAT. Why do you think you can do this? All these people are laughing at you. They can't believe a fat girl like you is trying to run. They are laughing at your fat jiggling around. That girl is running so much faster than you. She is laughing at your poor, pathetic, fat ass. You are FAT. She is SKINNY. You will never be as good as her."

I know, right? I am an extremely confident person in every other aspect of my life, but I guess I have been called fat, or big, or Jabba the Hut too many times in my life.

I started using the Couch to 5K app. I still thought those horrible thoughts, but as more and more weight came off I started feeling a bit more confident. My pace got better and I was able to run for longer periods of time. I even "beat" some people on the treadmills, meaning I was running when they started and still running when they left.  I was still obsessive about it though, constantly trying to read the treadmill when other people were running - what pace were they doing? How far had they gone? It was always about other people, what they were doing and what they were thinking of me. I got clear up to the final two weeks of the C25K workouts when I had to stop for my neck surgery. I was so upset about so much during those days, but one of my main scares was that all my hard work would go to waste. I was so worried that I would "lose it" and not be able to run after I got better.

After my recovery and I was cleared to work out again, I got on that treadmill. My legs and feet felt heavier than lead. I was terrified. I started the Couch to 5K workouts over at Week 4. It all came pouring back to me, and I was able to breeze through the workouts. The first few days were scary, because I was pretty much convinced my neck would open up, or my head would fall off all together.

I finally really started running outside at that point. I love being outside so much more than that stupid treadmill. In March I ran my first race, an 8K. In April I ran my second race, a 5K. I'm signed up for another 5K in May, and I have officially started my half marathon training. I don't have a half picked out, but I want to see if I can do that distance.

Something clicked in my head when I was running that first race. Maybe it took actually signing up for a race, and being around other runners for it to register with me that NOBODY cares what I look like. Nobody cares that I jiggle when I run. No one cares that I'm sweating like a pig, or that I'm breathing in a weird rhythm that mirrors childbirth. Runners don't think that about each other, all runners want to do is support one another and get everyone across that finish line. . Together, we are lapping everyone still sitting on the couch, too scared or lazy to try. It doesn't matter what pace you run at, or what clothes you wear, or what noises you make - you are running. And burning a shit ton of calories. It's a head game, and it's a body game, and it's a soul game. And it's a game I love playing.

Since that first race, I've been running differently. I am not running around making gasping sounds or anything, but if I need to take a few minutes to breathe really deeply to get a cramp out, I do it. If I need to wear a tshirt and mittens, I do it. I don't care what anyone thinks. And when I pass a fellow runner, we always greet each other and smile. Because we get it.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Random musings

  • I somehow always start to feel like a busted can of biscuits around 2pm every day. No matter what I have eaten.
  • Last night I went to dinner with Mindy and Rachael, who I spent a good majority of 1999-2002 with. After going down Memory Lane with them, I thank God that I am still alive. I should have been offed by a crazy psycho girl or alcohol poisoning by now.
  • I am obsessed with the song I Love It by Icona Pop.
  • Somehow in almost two years of dieting I've never made a meal plan.
  • I made a meal plan today.
  • It makes me feel awesome and in control.
  • To celebrate my meal plan, I ate ballpark nachos as a snack (meal plan starts tomorrow).
  • I also made a grocery list, and I am totally excited to shopping tonight.
  • I promise to write a better blog post tomorrow.