Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Things I learned the hard way #3

...just because he's married doesn't mean he's not gonna try to get in your pants.

Well, my pants to be more specific.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to pretend I'm innocent here. I have hooked up with married guys, engaged guys and single guys. I've hooked up with guys with kids, guys with pregnant wives, and guys with newborns. I'm not a slut. Quit thinking I'm a slut. I've just lived a lot; I'm obese with experiences.

However, two very odd situations come to mind. I was out with groups of people during both occasions, and I was feeling very safe - meaning I wasn't planning on hooking up at all those nights, nor was I worried about trying to beat any guys off with a stick. I was just out to have a few drinks with my co-workers, and then go home and go to sleep. All of the guys I was with were married. So I didn't think I had anything to worry about.

Poor, poor stupid Jen.

And also, let me just say this: I know paragraph three would lead you to believe differently, but I am not a slut. I don't have one night stands. I don't randomly hook up. So keep that in mind when you are judging the crap out of me. 

Situation number one happened not long after I started at the casino. I was only 23, and had only one married guy under my belt thus far (literally...hahaha). I was at a bar with several people, but the crowd kept dwindling down until there was only three of us left: Me, Hot Married Guy, and Uggo Married Guy.

The three of us decided to call it a night, and walked out to our cars. Hot Married Guy was parked in the other direction, so he walked away from us. Me and Uggo Married Guy walked towards our cars, which were parked next to each other.

"So...is this gonna happen?" he asked.
"What?"
"This." Uggo pointed to himself, then at me, then at himself again.
"Wait...do you think we are hooking up tonight?" I was shocked. Seriously? First of all, Uggo is that confident that he thinks he can get me?! I briefly remember Uggo's wife, and she is hot. Way hotter than me.  He must have something going for him. Still...gross. I shake my head. "No. No, we are not hooking up tonight."
"Jen." He uses my name as a complete sentence. "My wife is out of town. This is a one night only offer."
IS HE KIDDING ME?
"I'm sorry, not happening." I stand firm. I can be such a hardass when I want to be.
He kinda rolled his eyes/laughed at me/shrugged all in one swift douchy movement. "Alright, your loss."

I don't understand where a man gets that much confidence?

Situation number two happened a few years later. I was still at the casino, and again was out with casino people. (I seemed to get into a lot of interesting situations when I was hanging with casino people...) Again, it ended up being just four of us at the bar. Me, Douchbag Married Guy and Married Couple.

Beep beep back up. I want to tell you a little about Douchbag Married Guy. He was relatively new, and already had a reputation as being a jack ass/drunk/ladies man. He went to the strip clubs A LOT. And we ain't talking Vegas strip clubs, where the women are actually hot. We are talking backwoods, Council Tuckey, sickass strip clubs where lysol is very necessary before you sit down. He was like a perv/douche/manwhore/disgusting sick guy. However, he was kinda fun, so why wouldn't I hang out with him? Also, he had mentioned a few times during our night out that he had a brand new six month old baby girl at home that he was in love with. That's nice, right? What a nice guy.

Okay. So we all decided to leave, and Married Couple got in their car and left. This left Douchbag Married Guy to insist on walking me to my car. Before I knew what was happening, I was pressed up against my car and he was in my face.

"Umm, hello there." I said. WHAT THE HELL.
"I'm gonna give you a number," he said. He was trying to sound sexy. It was not working for me. "Four."
"What is four?" Even thought the situation was ridic, I still like a good numbers game.
"Four seconds. That's how long it will take me to get you off."
Oh Jesus. GIVE ME A BREAK.
"I'm gonna give you a number." I said. "Six."
"What is six?" he asked.
"How many months old your baby girl is."
He stepped away from me, threw his hands up and said "Okay, you got me. I get it."
He shook my hand and apologized.

To this day, that is the best comeback I've ever had. My brain NEVER works that fast.

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