Monday, April 8, 2013

Dating profile

Some of my friends have tried the online dating thing. Some are trying right now (although they are kinda being half ass about it). And I have heard stories (although I only know of one true life story of someone I know) about people who seriously meet their future spouse through an online dating site.

One night in 2008, in a fit of complete rage and prescription pain pills, I signed up on a site. It was a free one, I answered the questions like I was supposed to, and wrote out what I thought the guys wanted to hear. I went on exactly one date. I wasn't a very good online dater. My profile stayed up for years, and I actually just went in and shut it down about six months ago. Not because I've found the love of my life or stopped my search for a husband, but because clearly I am not going to participate in the cyber dating world.

Also, I needed to shut it down because my profile was a big pile of shit. I am not an "easy going chick" who just wants a "guys' guy" and just wants someone who gets along with my family. Those are things you are supposed to say on your profile. If I was to be completely honest, this is what my dating profile should say:

Say a little about yourself: I'm 32. I work at a college, handling transcripts, graduation applications and other office/paperwork/boring duties. I'm not exactly sure if what I am doing right now is a lifelong thing, but I think the industry is. I think. I really like helping people do awesome things, and graduating from college is an awesome thing. I did it twice - I have a bachelors and a masters degree. So I'm kinda smart. But I can't boil an egg, shave without cutting myself or fix a flat tire. I also work out a lot, and I'm always on some sort of diet. Not because I'm crazy or egotistical, but because I used to be really fat. Oh, you should know that about me. I used to be huge. So sometimes I still cry when I can fit into mediums, and the stretch marks on my belly probably won't ever go away (sorry).

Share what you like to do for fun: I really like television and celebrity gossip. My DVR is my bestie, and if we were to ever be a serious couple, we would probably need to invest in two of them because mine fills up. I also love to go to concerts and plays, but you don't have to go with me to those things. Unless you want to. I have amazing friends, and I am not going to be one of those girls who just hangs out with you once we start dating. In fact, you better have amazing friends too, because you will be expected to hang out with them often. This girl needs her space. I don't love working out, but I do it almost every day. I love going to sporting events, but I wouldn't say I'm like a die hard sports fan. I will always, always let you watch sports on TV though***. There is nothing hotter than a guy who is a sports fanatic (I'm seriously not kidding here).

***The one exception to this is during awards season. I will not forgo my right to watch red carpet coverage all day so that you can watch sports. But that would be a great day for you to spend with your friends at a bar.

Tell a bit about your personality: I think I am hilarious. I would say 50% of people agree with me. I love talking to people, and I love asking questions. I think everyone is interesting, so I like to find out things. I ask a lot of hypothetical questions. Once a person has won me over, I care about them with all my heart. Most people think I am a hardass and a badass. I don't know how I ever got that rep, because I am not. Maybe it's because my dad is a biker, so I should be tough? I am not.

What would you like to see and do?: I would like to see Hawaii. I would also like to zipline across somewhere amazing, and, just yesterday, I decided I would like to run a marathon someday. I HATE running, but I hate people telling me I can't do something more.

What would be an ideal first date?: This is literally the hardest question in the world. I think this would seriously be my ideal date...the guy comes to my door to pick me up (I'm old fashioned like that). We go somewhere fun, for some sort of event. Like a game of some sort, or to a sports bar to watch a game. But it has to be a sports bar that has food, because he is going to buy me dinner (on the first date. That's the only date I will expect him to pay up.) Or, if there is not a sporting event to watch, we should go to like a  Dave and Busters type place because I really really love them but don't get to go often.

Describe your ideal match: I want a guy who makes me laugh, but also makes me think. I want a guy who is smarter than me, but appreciates my talents. I want a guy who is a good friend, but also a good boyfriend. I want a guy who will take out the trash, and fix things and change lightbulbs. I want a guy who plays games with me, and answers hypothetical questions, and tells me about new music to listen to. I want a guy who is good to his family, and who is good to me and values our relationship. I want a guy who is genuinely excited and happy to spend time with me and acts like it.

What does your ideal relationship look like?: A lot of talking, doing fun things, having sex, being happy and loving life.

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