I feel like lately I have been a victim of "should-ing". People seem to be thinking a lot about what I should and shouldn't be doing.
I should be married by now.
I should have kids by now.
I should weigh less.
I should have my christmas stuff put away by now.
And then, of course, there are the people shouldn't-ing me.
I shouldn't still care about him.
I shouldn't be eating that.
I shouldn't have drank so much on NYE.
Oh wait...that last one was me.
I had an extreme case of the should-shits yesterday. I started at Metro and on the drive home I had a complete panic attack.
I shouldn't have taken this job...I'm shouldn't be in higher ed...I should be doing something else...I shouldn't have taken a job this soon....
I was fa-reeeeaking out. I tried to sweat out my should-shits on the treadmill. But I got home and I was still in a panic. Only it had gotten worse.
Who am I? Why am I on earth? Why am I such a shitty person, and daughter, and friend, and lover? What the hell is wrong with me?
I decided the first thing to do to get out of my shouldy mood is a career assessment test. I'm not supposed to be in higher ed? Then what the fuck am I supposed to be doing?
I found a free test online and took it. The results? I should be a teacher or a religious leader.
Well, obviously being a religious leader is fucking out of the fucking picture. And a teacher? You mean like a professor? In higher ed? At a college?
After that I calmed down. Then I watched American Horror Story and realized my life ain't that bad. I went to bed smiling, and now today I'm fine.
But I may have some sort of anxiety and/or bipolar disorder.