Thursday, January 3, 2013

Shoulds and shouldn'ts

I feel like lately I have been a victim of "should-ing". People seem to be thinking a lot about what I should and shouldn't be doing.

I should be married by now.
I should have kids by now.
I should weigh less.
I should have my christmas stuff put away by now.

And then, of course, there are the people shouldn't-ing me.

I shouldn't still care about him.
I shouldn't be eating that.
I shouldn't have drank so much on NYE.

Oh wait...that last one was me.

I had an extreme case of the should-shits yesterday. I started at Metro and on the drive home I had a complete panic attack.

I shouldn't have taken this job...I'm shouldn't be in higher ed...I should be doing something else...I shouldn't have taken a job this soon....

I was fa-reeeeaking out. I tried to sweat out my should-shits on the treadmill. But I got home and I was still in a panic. Only it had gotten worse.

Who am I? Why am I on earth? Why am I such a shitty person, and daughter, and friend, and lover? What the hell is wrong with me?

I decided the first thing to do to get out of my shouldy mood is a career assessment test. I'm not supposed to be in higher ed? Then what the fuck am I supposed to be doing?

I found a free test online and took it. The results? I should be a teacher or a religious leader.

Well, obviously being a religious leader is fucking out of the fucking picture. And a teacher? You mean like a professor? In higher ed? At a college?

After that I calmed down. Then I watched American Horror Story and realized my life ain't that bad. I went to bed smiling, and now today I'm fine.

But I may have some sort of anxiety and/or bipolar disorder.

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