Monday, December 17, 2012

Getting old is a bitch

A few weeks ago when I was hanging with my grandma and my mom, grandma was doing her usual rant session about how annoying and stubborn my grandpa is. And he is. He pretty much refuses to leave the house now, because he thinks most people are "fucking morons". And don't even get him started at the price of food. He can't believe people would go to expensive restaurants like Applebees when they can go down to McDonalds and get a McDouble for one dollar.

Grandma mentioned during this rant that he won't take her to any buffet except the casinos (when they have comps) and she hasn't even been to a Golden Corral in years. So when we set up a shopping trip for Saturday, I suggested we go there and grab lunch before we go shopping. 

So me, Mom, Gram and Kate met there. And Grandma's mind must have forgotten that she hates that place. She bitched about everything - she hated every single minute of our dining experience, from the lumpy potatoes to the gross bathrooms. "I can't believe YOU would even eat in a trashy place like this," she said to me, clearly insinuating I am a bit of a snob and this place was extremely trashy. 

"Grandma! You are the one who said no one would bring you here!" I exclaimed, then added "Have I ever taken you anywhere you have liked for lunch?"

I've been taking Grandma to lunch and shopping for several years, and she has found something wrong with every single place we've gone. We've even gone to expensive places and she has complained about how "fancy" the lettuce is.

Usually at the end of our shopping trips we get ice cream. However, I was freezing to death and couldn't get warmed up, so I suggested Starbucks instead. I should have known better. Her plain coffee, black, was "too strong", and she had them dump half of it out and add cold water because it was so hot it almost put hair on her chest and boobies. Her words. 

So I left Grandma that day feeling defeated. Then on Sunday, I went and met the girls for dinner at Missy's house, where Miss made chili. She made is extremely plain, to please me, not even adding onions or seasoning salt because she was worried I wouldn't eat it. 

So that, plus the fact that I have been extremely freezing and dressing in layers in my own apartment, has made me realize something...

I am my grandma. She blames her amount of complaining on getting old. I didn't think I was getting old, yet, but the last two days have made me realize...I am one old bitch.

  • I pluck gray hairs from my head every single day. I get gray hairs in my EYEBROWS. 
  • It is hard as hell to drop even a pound anymore. My old, dying body wants to hold on to every last ounce it can.
  • I am freezing ALL THE TIME. And I've lost all sense of looking good - I don't care. I just want to be warm, so if that includes an embarrassing fleece hat, so be it. 
  • My body just can't handle things like it used to. I get those achy pains in my legs when I overdo it at the gym - like growing pains when you're a kid, except I'm not growing. In fact, I may be getting shorter, which sucks, because I'm not that tall to begin with. My achy legs equal no sleep, so then the next night I sleep for like 16 hours straight. 
I had no idea 32 was going to signal the end of my young life.

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