Thursday, November 8, 2012

FINALLY!

HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS. Today, finally, FINALLY, it happened!

I hit 90 pounds down!

90.4 to be exact.

I weighed myself two days ago and realized I was on the path to hit 90 on my official weigh in day (every Thursday). I was so excited to weigh in this morning, I actually forgot to put on make up. That's right, I am just sitting at work with my baby face in full view. Sick. But who cares. I have lost 90 pounds!

This makes me nervous on so many levels. For one, keeping it off - I have really struggled with every single ounce during this last five pounds. I lose two pounds, I gain three, I lose four, I gain two. It's like my body wants to hold onto every single piece of me. I have finally jumped the hurdle, and now I need to focus on staying over the 90 pound mark.

Also, the next logical goal is to hit 100 pounds lost. One. Hundred. Pounds. Are. You. Kidding. Me. Enough of that. 100 pounds is so much to think about. How can I lose 100 pounds?

Last night, one of the adjunct instructors, who I see every week, completely flipped out about my weight loss. She asked me for something, and I was walking slightly ahead of her, and I guess she just really looked at me because all of a sudden she yelled out "Oh my God, Jen, you are like a sliver of your former self!" She  apologized, and I told her no need for I'm sorrys, she is right. We talked for a long time after that, and she asked a ton of questions. Her last question, really hit home.

"Do you have a problem with seeing yourself?" she asked. "Like, really seeing this as you. You're smaller now, people look at you different, do you ever feel like you don't know yourself?"

Oh my God. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. I look in the mirror sometimes and I don't know myself. I wonder how other people, people who have been in my life forever, see me. I am so confused as to how men were attracted to me before. I worry that they aren't attracted to me now.

MD told me, many years ago, that he would never "really" be my boyfriend because he doesn't date my "type". When I asked what that meant, he said "bigger girls". It broke my heart. When I started losing weight, he started sniffing around again. He made promises of "big things" he was wanting to do, and they included me. I had to get rid of him. What if I got bigger again? Would I be kicked out the door because I'm only his type when I am thinner? I am still the exact same person as I was when I weighed 279 pounds. Literally the only difference is I like to shop now.

I worry that people think I have lost my personality along with the weight. I worry, worry all the time.

I know I am still the same person. I worry that people think I am egotistical now, or that I think I'm hot shit. That couldn't be further from the truth. I lost all my boobs, and the skin around my stomach sags. I do feel sexier, but I still have my sensitive problem areas. I will seriously look into skin removal surgery, once I lose 100+ pounds and keep it off for six months (those are the qualifications to hit if you want insurance to cover part of it).

Even worse, I know some of my haters (you know who you are) look at me and still see a fat girl. They think "she's lost 90 pounds? she still has a gut".

Oh, I just thought of another difference. I used to be one of those people who were full of excuses. My most common ones were:

"I can't diet because I am too picky of an eater."
"I can't work out because my boobs bounce too much and it hurts."
"This is just what I am supposed to weigh. My body is comfortable here."

Now, I hear those excuses from overweight people and it makes me angry. I am a picky eater, who had never run a day in my life, and I had been "maintaining" the same enormous weight since college. I did it. It was hard, but not too hard. Anyone can do this. It takes willpower and time. That's it. It especially pisses me off when people say "I just don't have time to diet and workout."

Seriously? You don't have time? It takes just as much time to eat something healthy as it does to eat something bad. Actually, it takes less time, because you are probably eating less of it. And I work out for 45 minutes a day. If you don't have 45 extra minutes in your day, then you need to get your shit together.

I am rambling at this point. I needed this. I have been thinking way too much lately.

1 comment:

  1. Great post, Jen. I can relate to so much of this. You've worked really hard. I know it because I've been through a lot of it too. And you're absolutely spot on with the self-image. Even though people are calling me "tiny" and "skinny," I look in the mirror and still see the girl I was 35 pounds ago. Maybe my brain will catch up eventually.

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