Friday, November 30, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Day 30

It's pretty sad to have a routine for getting laid off.

Today, at 9am, we were told the Council Bluffs campus is being closed in 90 days. Half of us would lose our jobs today, and the other half would work through the 90 days.

I was the very first person eliminated today.

For the third time, I had to sit down and go over severance paperwork and benefits information. For the third time, I walked out of a job, made one phone call, drove straight to Glenwood and cried on my dad.

My poor Dad. My poor coworkers. Poor me.

I can't write about what I really want today, since the ink on my exit paperwork isn't even dry yet and I haven't received my severance payout yet. Stay tuned.

So today, on the last day of this series, I am thankful for supportive friends and family, my health, and possibilities of new opportunities.

I am also thankful I never have to go back to a job I'm not passionate about, that I never have to see certain people's faces again, and that Kaplan decided to stick their foot up my ass AFTER they paid $177,000 for my tumor surgery.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Day 29

Today I am thankful for the app My Fitness Pal. I am going to start tracking calories. Most days. I may take special occasions off. 

Okay, really I'm just going to try this for two days and see what happens. 

I am also thankful for days when I am actually motivated to get a lot of busy work done and get organized. 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Day 28

I always commit myself way too much with these blog series. 30 days of thanks? Jesus tits. This is ridic.

Today was a good day. Any day I get to go to Ruby Tuesday for lunch is a kickass day for this girl. Work was kinda fun (I know, right), and my workout went well and quickly. I'm watching American Horror Story right now and so far I have 1. screamed out loud 2. cried and 3. shit my pants. And I'm only a half hour in.

My blog is becoming a bit of a pop culture phenomenon. I don't even know if that is a real word. I also don't think it's the correct word in this circumstance, but I do know that I provided at least an hour of entertainment for two of my co-workers, and, for the first time ever, I had my blog quoted back to me. That's hot.

It is also the second day in a row that I have been told my old pictures are not...flattering. Yesterday Nick told me I looked like Fat Monica. Today JB told me, in the most polite way possible, just...yuck. I am at a bit of a turning point. Do I delete the old pictures off facebook?

Speaking of facebook...I fucking hate it. In the last three days, two family members have deleted me off facebook. My aunt is a psycho - she started rumors about HERSELF in Glenwood, but for some reason has decided I am the one spreading them around the town. It's kind of hilarious that 1. I have the power to spread rumors around the wood.  2. she thinks I care about her that much and 3. she has forgotten already she started the rumors herself. Must be all the drugs she is accused of stealing (the "rumor" she started about herself. Wow. I wish I was making this up). And no, I don't feel bad for writing that in my blog.

Wow. Could this entry be any more random? Needed to get some stuff out I guess. Hopefully I haven't lost any of you lovely readers!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Days 26 and 27

Yesterday was a shit day. I got up, went to the gym, went to Hy-Vee, and then spent the rest of the day sick to my stomach. I'm not sure what happened. It was disgusting.

Almost exactly 24 hours later, I felt better. Of course, that was after moaning and groaning all day and night, spending the night with a heat pad AND a cool washcloth, and laying on the conference room floor during a meeting. But hell, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

Today I am thankful for...

1. That I happened to be off on the day my stomach turned into poison. It would have been very bad to deal with that at work yesterday.
2. That the IT girl at work, Sal, is so nice and patient.
3. The calendar store in the mall is open again.
4. My aunt (mom's sister) is a psycho hose beast. I'm thankful I am nothing like her (and praying I don't end up with any of her qualities).

Sunday, November 25, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Day 25

Today has been a lazy day, except for a mid morning trip to the gym. I came home and started watching the original Star Wars trilogy, and decorated my tree. Other than that, I've been playing Words with Friends and Song Pop and doing jumping jacks -I read (okay, I saw on Pinterest) that they are a good way to burn calories, so I've been just randomly doing them throughout the day. But I haven't been wearing shoes, and I think I messed up my ankle. We'll see.

I also just started my hair on fire.

I digress. Today I am thankful for...

1. My co-worker JB, who made me watch the Star Wars movies. Huge nerd today I am.
2. Nick, for talking me into putting up a Christmas tree. I love it. He was right, I need a tree.
3. My mom for giving me an old tree of hers, and also for being so forgetful. I told her the other day that she promised to give me $100 when I lose 100 pounds - which she did not - but she just believed me and was like "yep, yep I did...only ten more pounds and I have to give Jen $100!"
4. This one is a big one, and I might ramble a bit. I am so thankful that during the 1.5 years that I have been on this weight loss journey, I have not gave up or took a break.

Let me explain this one a little bit more - I got super obsessed with my google reader a few months ago and found a bunch of weight loss blogs to follow. One of the ladies started her journey about 2.5 years ago, and she had 240 pounds to lose. She has lost about 120, and it seems like she has just given up lately. Her latest entry was very upsetting, and I'm wondering if I should reach out to her through email. She started her journey at 385 pounds, and she has come so far, but losing that amount of weight must just be extremely overwhelming. She blogged recently that she is back to eating candy bars all day, and all her clothes are getting tight again.

Maybe it's because I don't have that much weight to lose. I started my journey and set my goal at 66 pounds - not really for any reason, other than I never thought I would reach it. When my clothes started sagging and I starting looking like a homeless person, Nick started ragging on me daily to go buy new clothes. I told him I wouldn't buy a single thing until I hit 66 pounds lost. Then I did, and it was amazing. I bought a lot of new clothes then. (Well, it seemed like a lot to me. I hated clothes shopping back then. Nick made me promise to buy 10 new items of clothing, and I think I bought 12.) I am now at 90 (probably more like 87 after my three day Thanksgiving shit show). I am going to get to 100, and then I don't know if I should try to lose like ten more pounds, or maintain at 100. I will decide then - but I am so thankful to be towards the end of my journey, and at a point where I can just play it by ear to decide where I want to stop.

I hope blog girl gets her groove back. It would be really sad if she lost 120 pounds just to gain it all back. Not only would all that hard work be for nothing, but I can't imagine that stress that would put on her body and her skin.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Day 24

I slept like a rock last night, and slept in this morning. AWESOME. I went to the gym, then ran by Nick's to visit the boys...and left eight hours later. Sometimes I forget I don't live there. So between sharing Funyons with CooBoo, playing playdoh with the boys and Grandma Jan, and talking Nick into buying Popeyes for dinner, it was a great day!

Friday, November 23, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Days 22 and 23

Sorry again. I couldn't deal with trying to blog yesterday -by the time I would have had time to do it, I was knee deep in captain and diets. So...

I am thankful that I spent the last two days eating good food with good people.

I am thankful my niece actually asked if she could plank in the nativity scene again this year.
And I am thankful for my sister Kate, who will pose and wear ugly sweaters with me.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Day 21

Today I am thankful because...

Nick and I are such permanent friends that we can fight and then make up quickly enough to grab lunch 90 minutes later.

I finally got to try Cheddars, and it was awesome!

And then I ate at Goldbergs's with the girls...pretzel rolls are among the world's best creations.

And then I opened myself up to a new experience...a hipster bar with people in Amish get up.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Day 20

Whoop whoop, holla holla!! 90 more minutes of work and then six glorious days off!!

Today I am thankful for:

1. The mushy, feel good feeling I got when delivering donations to the Micah House this afternoon.
2. Getting some things off my chest.
3. Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred - I started it last night - HOLY BALLS.
4. Lunches with Julie at Little King.

Monday, November 19, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Day 19

I am not one to be negative...I hate wasting days being negative. But my job..ugh...!!

So today, I am thankful that I only have to work today and I am four hours away from being done today, and then nine hours tomorrow and then I am done for six solid days.

I am also thankful that I have wonderful friends and awesome people in my life that make me love my real life so much that I can't handle my work life.

I am thankful for baked potato bars and the fact that I've never seen Star Wars.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

90 for 90!

90 awesome things about losing 90 pounds!

1. People may not realize that when you're big, chairs are nerve wracking. I wasn't comfortable in most office chairs...
2. Or movie theatre seats...
3. Or airplane seats.
4. I also barely fit in the seatbelts on airplanes. I never had to ask for an extender...but I probably should have.
5. I can now wrap a towel all the way around me, with plenty of room to spare.
6. I used to get nervous about sitting in booths, because the table would cut into my gut and I didn't want to have anyone notice my boobs and/or fat was sitting on the table.
7. Now when I shop, I am able to find clothes I like and check for my size. Before, I had to go right to the plus sized section and take what I could get.
8. This one is a biggie - I used to have such huge boobs that I couldn't buy bras in stores. I had to specially order them online. Now I can buy them anywhere - even Target or Walmart.
9. Sex always was good, but WOW - now it's like AMAZING. I won't go into details, but everything in that area is much more awesome now.
10. When I was in public before, I always assumed everyone was judging me because I was fat.
11. I am officially smaller than every member of the Huskers starting line up.
12. I have literally recycled/turned over my entire wardrobe.
13. Going through my closet and making sure everything fits properly is one of my secret favorite past times now.
14. I can now wear dresses - cute ones at that - without being strapped into spanx or feeling self conscious all day long.
15. Speaking of spanx - I don't ever wear them now.
16. I can play, run around, and do anything else with my favorite kiddos now without getting winded or needing to sit down.
17. I had never run a day in my life, but I can now run a 5K, and in pretty good time, too.
18. I know it's conceited...but I LOVE seeing pictures of myself now.
19. I also LOVE catching reflections of myself in windows and doors.
20. I feel so sexy in front of the boy now.
21. I don't have to worry about doing the "slimming" trick to my pictures now before I post them to Facebook.
22. For some reason, maybe because I am more confident with my body, but I am also more confident with my face now and I go without makeup often. Makes me look younger!
23. Oh yeah, and losing this weight has made me look years younger - no kidding.
24. My face is also clearer - probably because I drink a ton more water and eat better now.
25. My friend Missy wears jeans all the time, and I always thought she was crazy because jeans suck - but now that I fit into them comfortably, I love them too! I don't have to change into sweats as soon as I get home, because jeans are just as comfortable!
26. I always knew that I had awesome people in my life, but this journey has truly made me realize how many amazing people are in my corner - so many people have helped me fight through the plateaus, the bad days and the bad weigh ins.
27. When I used to buy junk food, I worried about what people thought of me because I was so fat - clearly, I shouldn't be eating what I was buying. Now, if I do have a cheat moment and buy a bag of Doritos, I don't feel bad or feel like anyone should be judging me.
28. However, I am able to now walk past all that junk food that used to lure me in...I just don't want it now!
29. I am finally able to paint my toenails.
30. I have the most comfortable chair in the world, and I am able to just cuddle right into it now - I'm much smaller, so I can curl up and really make the most of this awesome piece of furniture.
31. I am not much of a jewelry person, but the few rings I have don't fit anymore.
32. I never realized how fat my neck was, but all of my necklaces fit differently now, too.
33. When I go to the doctor now, getting on the scale doesn't terrify me.
34. Also, they can use the "normal" sized blood pressure cuff on me as opposed to the "plus sized" one.
35. When I was going through all my medical stuff with my tumor, the doctors kept telling me that I am healthy as a horse (except for that crazy tumor). In the past, no doctor had ever used the word "healthy" to describe me.
36. I am SO CURVY!! I had no idea my figure was so hour-glassy.
37. Looking back, I cannot believe that amount of food I used to eat.
38. Take McDonalds for example - that place used to get me every time. It was nothing for me to eat two dinners; one at home and then run through McDonalds and get a combo a few hours later. Now if I do go, I get a kids meal and then I am usually sick afterwards.
39. Also, I now recognize I was a binge eater. An exciting evening for me would be laying on the couch, watching TV and eating all night.
40. My legs and knees used to hurt all the time. Especially my knees. I was in complete denial as to why.
41. Speaking of pain - it used to physically hurt to take my bra off every night.
42. I've already touched on my bra size, but it deserves another one - I lost FIVE cup sizes.
43. I can actually share clothes with people now - and when my friends/family clean out their closets, I get to go shopping though them! This was never the case before - I never could have taken clothes from one of my friends or family members, I was always the biggest one.
44. I never used to drink water, and now I am proud to say I drink one small soda a day and more than two liters of water a day.
45. I have been told by so many people that I inspire them. Me? An inspiration? Shut up!
46. After I joined Weight Watchers and was able to drop weight, my two sisters, my step mom, Nick, Hannah, and a few other friends joined as well. It was great to have people doing it with me!
47. I sleep so much better and more soundly now.
48. Fat people smell. I don't know that they realize it, but they do. I did. I don't anymore.
49. I hardly ever get sick.
50. I love getting dressed now. I have such cute clothes, and I love putting outfits together.
51. And I love sleeping in slutty little shorts and cute tops now.
52. I never used to wear tank tops because of my arm fat. I still have arm fat, but I don't mind it because I love me some tanks!
53. My eye makeup looks so much better on a slimmer face. And I don't have to wear hardly any foundation, because my skin is so much clearer now.
54. I get rid of clothes as soon as they are even a little too big - I don't want to hide myself in big clothes! I like tighter, form fitting clothes now.
55. I LOVE shopping at the Goodwill now - I can actually find cheap clothes that fit right!
56. My thighs used to rub together and chafe horribly when I walked.
57. In the past, I would have NEVER worn shorts in public.
58. Or a bathing suit. In fact, I hadn't worn a bathing suit since I was 16 before this summer, when I bought a new one and hung out at the pool several times.
59. I really am a "light weight" when it comes to drinking now.
60. I actually do want to go out and do things now, because I am not so angry/bitter about being fat.
61. I don't hide in the back of group pictures now.
62. I also have no problem kneeling in the front of group pictures, because I'm not worried about my fat rolls or my boobs looking big.
63. My prom dresses from high school fit again!
64. I am smaller now than I was my senior year of high school.
65. I used to pass out all the time. Now, a lot of that was in my head, I know. But now that I eat better, drink more water and am more fit, my fainting smells happen less frequently. In fact, I haven't passed out in five months, and I don't even think that one should count (it was right after surgery).
66. I now know what a "runners high" is and I have had it.
67. I used to steer clear of any clothing with horizontal stripes - now I love them!
68. I can't believe all the excuses I used to have. I am so embarrassed that I used to actually say that I couldn't run or work out because my boobs were too big.
69. Also, I used to claim that my body was supposed to be that big, and I "couldn't" lose weight.
70. I also said I was too picky to diet. Now I have learned you can be a picky dieter. You just eat less of the few food items you do like.
71. Although they would never admit it, I know my parents used to be worried about my size. It is nice to know that they are proud of me and happy for me now.
72. When I stepped on the scale on June 23rd, 2011 I promised myself that was the last time I would ever watch the scale go that high. I kept that promise to myself.
73. I am like a straight Ellen now - I love dancing! Not in clubs (get real, I will never change that much), but in my apartment and with my nieces and nephews. And in public when I am trying to embarrass whoever I am with.
74. When I feel like I might want to binge on food, I lay in front of the tv and do planks or crunches or push ups.
75. When an elevator was full or escalators were broken, I would panic. I did not do stairs.
76. Also, I do not drive around waiting for an up close parking space. I just park and walk, and I even secretly like it when I have to walk a-ways to get up to the store.
77. I love riding roller coasters, but I was always nervous about the seatbelts not fitting me. Not an issue now!
78. I used to just be hot all the time - even when everyone around me was cold, I would be comfortable or even hot.
79. I don't feel guilty now when I treat myself and eat big dinners or dessert. I deserve it. I just have to balance out the rest of the week and make up for it.
80. I am in more control of not only my diet, but also my life, feelings and emotions.
81. I am more confident in all areas of my life, not just my weight.
82. When I see fashion and clothes in magazines, I don't get angry because I won't ever be able to wear those clothes - instead, I get excited at the cute things I can try to find to wear.
83. I am actually flying out to my aunt's this March to run a 5K with her - um, a trip to run? Never saw that happening!
84. I used to always be worried about when I would eat next - even when I was eating one meal, I would be worrying about what I would eat at the next meal. During the meal, I would take a helping of something and start chowing through it quickly so I could get a second helping.
85. I also used to worry if I was spending a whole day with someone, or if I was taking a trip with someone - what if they don't want to eat as much as I did?
86. I used to center events around food - if I went to the movies, it wasn't about the movie, it was about the popcorn and the candy.
87. Fast food is just not a part of my life anymore. I thought I would miss it, but I actually don't at all.
88. My personal trainer, Heather, has become one of my favorite people. She has taught me so much, not just about working out but also about dieting, motivation, commitment and taking care of myself.
89. I have a lot of male friends, and I love being smaller than all of them.
90. I did this all FOR ME. I didn't lose weight because anyone told me to, or because of a guy. I decided one day I was sick of being fat, and I made the promise to myself to change.

30 Days of Thanks - Days 16, 17 and 18

I know, I know. I suck. Sorry to let you down, loyal reader(s?). To be completely honest, I left my laptop in my car on Friday night and forgot about it until today. So I will catch you up on the last three days, and get all my thankfulness out now.

Day 16:
1. Lunch dates with Nick. At the USA Steak Buffet, no less. And I am thankful I am finally able to get to Midland without using my GPS.
2. Jen Beck - I don't see her often, but she cracks my shit up when I do. And I swear we are either soul mates or a little bit related.

Day 17:
1. Husker game days!
2. This sweatshirt, which I found at the Goodwill before the game.
3. Jason's Deli.
4. Taking a Breaking Dawn Part 2 virgin to see it - so I could watch someone's reaction to mind blowing experience. 
5. Tom Osborne. SO GLAD I was in Memorial Stadium on this day. 

Day 18:
1. Goodwilling...again...this time with Nick. I may have a problem. He may too. He bought like a billion dollars worth of stuff. 
2. I used to hate and judge people who wear horizontal stripes...and now I am one of them. In fact, I may have a problem with that, too. 

Friday, November 16, 2012

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Day 14

Today I am thankful for...

1. Long walks on November mornings. I have a different route I take when I am just walking, as opposed to my running route. I LOVE my walking route. It is really hilly, so I still get an awesome workout in, but I am able to skip and pick my music rather than just sticking my phone in my sports bra and going balls to the wall.
2. My snickerdoodles. I make the best snickerdoodles. And I was making them for charity, so that kept myself from eating the whole batch.
3. My trainer. I dread my half hours with her because she kicks my ass like it's her job...which it is. But she pushes me and I find myself wanting to impress her, so I do things I never thought I could.
4. Katie and Missy.
5. Days where I don't have to wear makeup.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Day in the Life of ME!

I keep seeing this on other people's blogs -an entry laying out their entire day. Of course, those people are mostly mom's...but my life is interesting too, damn it.

7:45a - Wake up from the BEST SEX DREAM EVER. Look at the clock, figure out I still have 24 minutes until my alarm goes off. Should I just wake up now? What would I do with my extra 24 minutes? Fall back asleep trying to decide.

8:09a - Get woke up by my alarm, which is Nikki Minaj's "Starships". Jump out of bed. Still on a natural high from the sex dream. Pee, brush teeth, do hair, makeup and get dressed. Jeans day!

8:34a - Leave for work. Run into the neighbors who got evicted because of me. Secretly pray they aren't plotting my murder.

Drive to work until 8:56a - Sing Taylor Swift at an embarrassingly high volume. Honk at two people, flip off one.

9a-12:30p - Work on attendance, course drops, schedules, other random things that people throw at me. Pick my setlist for the day - all Blake Shelton, all day long. Scowl at the three girls in my office who are on my shit list.

12:30p until 1:10p - Lunch with Lindsey and Sheri. Topic of discussion: how crazy our mothers are. Why family members shouldn't be Facebook friends with our ex's. Menu: Smoked turkey from Dad's house last night and a small bag of Cheetohs.

1:30p until 2:15p - Mentor/mentee time with my eighth grader. Today we talked about our feelings, and then I asked her if we could just draw/color for the rest of the time. I was really needing mindless activity. We drew our names with glitter and talked about our weekends.

2:15p - Leave the middle school feeling refreshed. Less than four hours to go.

2:30p until 5p - Gchat with Nick while finishing up stupid busy work and getting things ready for the next 5 days when I am off. Nick tells me no less than four times that I am crazy and/or ridic.  Push some of my work off on Lindsey. Starving. Remember that one of the "skinny girl" tips is to avoid carbs after lunch. Realize I can do that today, and decide to try it.

5p until 6p - Sit in on Tina's presentation on HIV education for her masters capstone project. Remember how my friend was convinced she had AIDS for awhile and made me ask her latest sex partner if he had ever been tested. Curse her for being so crazy.

6p - I'M FREE FOR FIVE WHOLE DAYS!! Flip Kaplan off as I drive to the ATM. Need cash for my Twilight Day with Hannah on Thursday. Head home, flipping off two fellow drivers. Only one honk though. I am getting better.

6:30p - Get home, get the mail, and try to decide if I should run outside (risking death) or go to the gym. Get inside and change and decide I look really cute in a little tee and tight pants, so I head to the gym so I can stay in the least amount of clothes as possible. Realize I am starving and hope I don't pass out while running.

6:45p-7:30p - Warm up, run three miles and cool down. I can't believe I can run for thirty-four minutes straight. I remember when running for 90 seconds made me want to die.

7:30p: Head to Hyvee. Since I am not allowing myself any carbs tonight, I need some meat. That's what she said. I get four hamburger patties from the meat counter and decide to George Forman it up. Walk around Hyvee for awhile, hoping someone will see me and just offer me a job. All I want to do is work at Hyvee. Head home and grill up two patties. Eat in front of the TV finishing up The Voice. Wish I could hump Adam Levine. And Blake Shelton.

8p-10p: I need to do my planks, but I am far too comfortable in my chair. And I'm freezing. What the hell? Watch new shows from tonight and realize my stomach hurts. Is this because I haven't had hardly any carbs today?

Currently: Texting with Katie and realizing my hair smells like asshole. Time to shower. Then I am going to crawl into bed and watch Breaking Dawn: Part One. I still need to numb myself to that vampire baby birth scene so I don't pass out in the theatre. Again.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 13

Today I am thankful for...
1. Holy shit. I got some GOOD sleep last night, and had some GOOD dreams.
2. I have less than six hours left and I get a five day vacation from this hellhole  job. I am having a really hard time lately dealing with the catty bullshit. Too many women work in this office. I don't know if it has always been like this, but I had Nick here so I didn't notice...or if it's just bad lately, and for some reason people have decided to hate on me. I feel very targeted lately, and I know I have haters, but this seems ridiculous.
3. My grandma is the sweetest person I know, and she just needed a hug.

Monday, November 12, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Day 12

Today I am thankful for:
1. This thankful list, which is helping me remember the date every day.
2. My hidden artistic ability.
3. Lunch dates with Struck - she is so awesome, and we have the best conversations. It's just one hour of drama free adult discussion. I love it.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Day 11

Today I am thankful for:
1. Getting to see these two cuties two days in a row.

2. Brunches with Missy.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Day 10

Today I am thankful for:
1. Spending the whole day with Nick, Han, Coop and Chan.
2. Cooper cussing and it not being my fault for once.
3. Little King and Yoyo Berry in the same day.
4. An awesome, long walk on a 75 degree day in November.

Friday, November 9, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Day 9

What a beautiful Friday! Today I am thankful for:
1. Two-a-days.
2. Taylor Swift.
3. It's FRIDAY, which means TWO days off, then two days of work, then FIVE days off, then two days of work, then SIX days off!
4. I have a vacation coming up. I need an escape. The cattiness of my workplace is wearing on my nerves. I hate girl on girl hate.
5. I'm so sore today. Good sore.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Day 8

Today I am thankful for:

1. Finally hitting 90 pounds down and feeling a new surge of energy to hit 100.
2. My dad, who still texts me every single morning.
3. American Horror Story, which I cannot stop thinking about.


HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS. Today, finally, FINALLY, it happened!

I hit 90 pounds down!

90.4 to be exact.

I weighed myself two days ago and realized I was on the path to hit 90 on my official weigh in day (every Thursday). I was so excited to weigh in this morning, I actually forgot to put on make up. That's right, I am just sitting at work with my baby face in full view. Sick. But who cares. I have lost 90 pounds!

This makes me nervous on so many levels. For one, keeping it off - I have really struggled with every single ounce during this last five pounds. I lose two pounds, I gain three, I lose four, I gain two. It's like my body wants to hold onto every single piece of me. I have finally jumped the hurdle, and now I need to focus on staying over the 90 pound mark.

Also, the next logical goal is to hit 100 pounds lost. One. Hundred. Pounds. Are. You. Kidding. Me. Enough of that. 100 pounds is so much to think about. How can I lose 100 pounds?

Last night, one of the adjunct instructors, who I see every week, completely flipped out about my weight loss. She asked me for something, and I was walking slightly ahead of her, and I guess she just really looked at me because all of a sudden she yelled out "Oh my God, Jen, you are like a sliver of your former self!" She  apologized, and I told her no need for I'm sorrys, she is right. We talked for a long time after that, and she asked a ton of questions. Her last question, really hit home.

"Do you have a problem with seeing yourself?" she asked. "Like, really seeing this as you. You're smaller now, people look at you different, do you ever feel like you don't know yourself?"

Oh my God. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. I look in the mirror sometimes and I don't know myself. I wonder how other people, people who have been in my life forever, see me. I am so confused as to how men were attracted to me before. I worry that they aren't attracted to me now.

MD told me, many years ago, that he would never "really" be my boyfriend because he doesn't date my "type". When I asked what that meant, he said "bigger girls". It broke my heart. When I started losing weight, he started sniffing around again. He made promises of "big things" he was wanting to do, and they included me. I had to get rid of him. What if I got bigger again? Would I be kicked out the door because I'm only his type when I am thinner? I am still the exact same person as I was when I weighed 279 pounds. Literally the only difference is I like to shop now.

I worry that people think I have lost my personality along with the weight. I worry, worry all the time.

I know I am still the same person. I worry that people think I am egotistical now, or that I think I'm hot shit. That couldn't be further from the truth. I lost all my boobs, and the skin around my stomach sags. I do feel sexier, but I still have my sensitive problem areas. I will seriously look into skin removal surgery, once I lose 100+ pounds and keep it off for six months (those are the qualifications to hit if you want insurance to cover part of it).

Even worse, I know some of my haters (you know who you are) look at me and still see a fat girl. They think "she's lost 90 pounds? she still has a gut".

Oh, I just thought of another difference. I used to be one of those people who were full of excuses. My most common ones were:

"I can't diet because I am too picky of an eater."
"I can't work out because my boobs bounce too much and it hurts."
"This is just what I am supposed to weigh. My body is comfortable here."

Now, I hear those excuses from overweight people and it makes me angry. I am a picky eater, who had never run a day in my life, and I had been "maintaining" the same enormous weight since college. I did it. It was hard, but not too hard. Anyone can do this. It takes willpower and time. That's it. It especially pisses me off when people say "I just don't have time to diet and workout."

Seriously? You don't have time? It takes just as much time to eat something healthy as it does to eat something bad. Actually, it takes less time, because you are probably eating less of it. And I work out for 45 minutes a day. If you don't have 45 extra minutes in your day, then you need to get your shit together.

I am rambling at this point. I needed this. I have been thinking way too much lately.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Day 7

Today I am thankful for my best friend Nick, who turns 29 today!
I am also thankful for pony tail holders, random tasks and cheese pizza from Hy-Vee.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Day 6

Election Day! What a great day to be an American. Seriously, I'm not being cheesy. I love this day. I cannot wait to stay up and watch CNN tonight. I did my American duty this morning and voted, the first time I have voted in the state of Nebraska.

Yes, I wore red, white and blue today. And yes, I took this picture with the side intention of showing off my boobs.

So today I am thankful for...
1. Being able to vote.
2. Being raised in a home where I was taught voting is important and if you don't vote, you don't get to bitch about anything for the next four years.
3. My ability to remember my my dream last night, an important boy surprised me by showing up at my house with Subway for both of us. He bought me a sandwich with ham, turkey, mayo and black olives on it. I don't like that at all. But he did bring me a sandwich just because. So he's awesome, right? I can pick off black olives.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Seriously? There's an app for that?

You guys. I never listen to the radio in the morning, but for some reason on Halloween I was tuned into Sweet 98 (I refuse to accept they are no longer Sweet 98) and they were playing with an app on their iPhone that measures paranormal activity.

Are you kidding me?!

I couldn't catch the name of this app, so I emailed the show when I got to work and got a reply that the app was called Ghost Radar Classic. So duh, of course i downloaded. It looks like this:
I don't know what those numbers mean. When a ghost is present, a little circle appears in the green targety area. Also, a word appears at the top, which I assume is a message from said ghost, or what they are seeing maybe?

I, of course, tried to measure the paranormal activity in my office first. I couldn't get anything to measure. I tried again when I got home. After awhile, a little circle appeared and I about crapped my pants.

"Allow" popped up on the screen. Fuck! This ghost wants me to allow them in?

"'re not allowed in here unless you are my grandfather or one of my spirit guides!" I yelled out.

The circle disappeared. I've been too scared to use it again, but I just did again to get the picture and one appeared and said "Roman". I don't know any Roman's. I don't even like that name.

The other day at Dad's I was using it (and that house is freaking haunted) and when my sister got there, a circle appeared and said "arrival". So I'm convinced it is real.

I'll keep y'all posted on what else I discover.

30 Days of Thanks - Day 5

Today I am thankful for:
1. Having the day off to watch CNN all day long.
2. My crockpot, which has been running all day with yummy food for the rest of the week.
3. My stepmom, who calls me just to tell me that I'm wonderful.
4. Being a girl, even though once a month (yesterday and today) I go off the rails for some good ol' fashion crazy.
5. Redbox, which I used for the first time today. How convenient!

Sunday, November 4, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Day 4

Today I am thankful for four day weekends, because I still have tomorrow off!

30 Days of Thanks - Day 3

I am very thankful for a Husker win, that Hannah and I were able to pull off Nick's surprise party and that I was able to spend the evening with some wonderful people!

Friday, November 2, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Day 2

1. Glenwood's Chinese food!
2. Christmas lights!
3. My nephew, who bought me blue nail polish today because it matches Sonic the Hedgehog.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

30 Days of Thanks - Day 1

I have seen on Facebook that a lot of people take November to list something they are thankful for every day. I don't want to deal with putting that out on Facebook, so I will just be blogging about it instead!

Today, I am thankful for...

1. Having a four day weekend starting in 9 minutes.
2. Jeans days at work.
3. Having a Jeep that runs and is dependable.
4. Being way cooler than so many of the people I work with.
5. Thursday lunches with the girls.
6. Not being as crazy as my mother.

Happy Halloween!

Yesterday was Halloween, and we got to dress up as work. Sheri, Lindsey, Maggie and I dressed as oompa loompas and Andrew was our Willy Wonka.

I'm not going to lie - I have entirely too much fun being in costume.