Saturday, July 28, 2012

#32

Today is my birthday. 32.

32.

I always knew I wasn't going to get married before my early to mid-thirties. I have such weird ideas about relationships, and I've seen so many people get stuck, I just don't want to do it. Maybe later.

I did, however, think I would know for sure what I wanted to do with my life, professionally speaking. But I have a feeling I will figure all of that out soon.

So far, my 30's have been awesome. I am so much happier, I think because I try to take things at face value. There's only one thing that I get crazy about, and it's a goal for year 32 not to do that anymore. Another goal is to stop asking questions just to hear what I want. Like last night I asked my dad if he was going to judge me if I ate a lot of mashed potatoes at dinner. Um, he's my dad. Is he really going to say yes? The only person who is brutally honest and would say yes is Nick, so he will continue to get these questions. Sorry sucker.

31 was a big year. I lost about 75 pounds and a tumor. I grew more seasoned in my role at work and developed my friendships into truly strong relationships in my life.

Goals for year 32? Well, for one, stop asking stupid questions. Two, hit my weight loss goal so I can quit WW and do this on my own. Three, NO HOSPITAL STAYS!!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Are you kidding me?

I'm so glad these two nuggets are in my life and I get to be their "aunt".


July 26 - Weigh in day!

I had an amazing last weekend - and you know what? I ate whatever I wanted.

Well kind of. I didn't snack (except for Channy's birthday cake), but my meals were not healthy, not even in the slightest. I went to...wait for it...

Don and Millies.

I haven't been there in over a year. It was delicious and fattening and gross. I sweated grease at the concert later that night. And I loved it.

It's events like that that remind me I am still a very fat girl trapped in a smaller person's body.

So, needless to say I spent Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday trying to make up for my lack of diet senses last weekend. I must have done a good job, because...

Today's loss: -.8
Total loss: 86.4 pounds
3.6 pounds til goal of 90

I was expecting to be even, so this was a pleasant surprise. Of course, I worked out SO hard the last two nights, and even got a workout in this morning before weigh in. So my HARD work paid off!

This week will be another struggle...I turn 32 on Saturday, so that day is shot. I am going to work hard to only ruin ONE day though, and not let it turn into a ruined weekend.


Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Get home already!

My parents take a biker vacation every July. I know I shouldn't worry, because my dad is a safe biker guy. But I still do. Every year.

Be safe, you crazy biker people.

Even though I grew up around motorcycles and my dad literally pieced one together in the basement, I am scared to death of them. I haven't rode one since about fourth grade. I burnt my leg really bad leaning up against the pipe, and I said to hell with that. I cannot stand to be on the road (especially the interstate) with motorcycles. I can't stand the way they weave in and out of traffic, often without helmets, and think they are invincible . 

I know my dad is not like that. He is safe, and I would trust him with my life. But come on. It is scary. 

These fools are always on their bike, and now my brother is a Harley guy too. And my nephew is obsessed with getting bike rides.

Ugh. Get your asses home safe.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Being eliminated

Last night, I met Missy and Melissa for a few drinks before they went on to a concert, and I went home. Yes, lame, I know. But between my trainer on Friday, Bret Michaels on Saturday, and drinking for the first time in seven months the day before, I could not have made it through the show.

Anyway, Melissa is a special person to me. She was just a pup when I hired her as a sales rep at Harrah's. I was brand new to the Sales Manager role and the entire team had quit (not because of me...I don't think). She was fresh out of college and I interviewed her and offered her the job. She did such a great job, management let me hire another one of her, so Amy joined our team. Then those two did such a great job that management decided I wasn't needed, so they let me go. Melissa has continued to excel, and now has a big corporate job at Caesars. I couldn't be prouder.

Talking and catching up with her made me really think about things on my drive home. When I worked for Harrah's, I truly thought I would be there forever. Even towards the end, when I absolutely hated my job and hated going in every day, the thought of quitting never crossed my mind.

I was completely distraught the day I got laid off. I cried and bawled and got completely trashed that night. It's the only night I've ever threw up in the bar bathroom and came out and drank more. I think I even threw up on myself a little bit. I just had no idea what to do.

Of course, then I went to another casino and got laid off from that one, too. I really hated that job, though, and wasn't too fond of anyone I worked with, so that was okay. I already had my office packed up. However, I had only worked there six months so I got a whopping two weeks severance. I took the first job I could find, just to stay off unemployment. After just three months there, I got offered the job at Kaplan. That was almost three years ago.

Even after all that, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I feel lost again, very similar to how I was feeling towards the end of my time with Harrah's.  So am I secretly wishing Kaplan lays me off so I am forced to look for something else? I don't know. But looking back at everything I have been through since those last few months at Harrah's, I have definitely learned there are far worse things than getting laid off and having several weeks of severance pay to try to figure out what you want to do with your life.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Like gasoline you want to pump me...

Yesterday was THE day.

I can't explain how much I love Bret Michaels. I don't know what it is. He's closer to my dad's age than mine, which usually grosses me out. But I would do dangerous, illegal things to, with and on that man.

My day started by sleeping in, then I got up and sent out a tweet to Bret. I always tweet him around concert day, and I always wear Cornhusker shirts to his concerts, hoping he will point to me, or grab me and pull me on stage. After I sent the tweet, I went to the pool and laid around for awhile. When I came home, I checked my phone and found a text from Nick and this:
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Bret Michaels retweeted me!!!

I had a mild heart attack and literally jumped around my apartment. Now he seriously might recognize me from my Twitter picture and pull me on stage.

After Chandler Boom's first birthday party, Nick and I headed downtown. 
He was not trying to act like Bret, it was just 100 degrees out so he was trying to catch his disgusting sweat. It really wasn't that bad on the floor, though. Although I wish I had worn underwear. 

When Bret comes on stage, I cannot explain what it does to me. I lose all control. I start jumping around like a fucking idiot, and I can't focus or speak. I just scream and sing. Thank God Nick is not my boyfriend, nor someone I want to sleep with. I'm pretty sure anyone interested in me would lose interest quickly after seeing me in that situation. 


I LOVE HIM! I cannot wait to see him again. Last night he said he was going to be back on Celebrity Apprentice this year. I will need someone to cheat and tell me if he wins...I cannot watch knowing he may be kicked off at any moment. When he was on it last time, Missy somehow got the information that he made it to the finals, which was the only reason I could watch it.

I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

The Fat Story

Yesterday my brilliant friend Molly texted this to me: Girl. People would go bananas for your weight loss story.

I've shared a lot of my story. I update Facebook when I hit certain milestones. I tweet about it a lot. I'm much more open on Twitter than Facebook. I also cuss a lot more, and am quite perverted. The Real Jen is Twitter Jen. I have blogged about my diet, and recently started updating on weigh in days. But I've really only told people how it started, so I guess now I will write it down. 

After high school, I put on a lot of weight in college. I loved my college friends, but I never really felt like I could get comfortable at BV. I always wanted to be closer to home. I was only 2.5 hours away, but my heart was still in the Omaha/Glenwood/Council Bluffs area, and I couldn't quite settle down at school. I never lost that weight, and just kept adding it on after that. I'd go up and down, but personal knockouts would send me back to overeating and being lazy. I was never happy with my body, but I honestly just thought that was it for me. I was a fat girl. That's what I was supposed to weigh. Clothes kept getting tighter, and I kept having to order specially-made huge bras from special websites. I used my boobs as an excuse not to exercise (they really did ache and hurt when I tried to do stuff, but get real) and I ate whatever I wanted, all the time. 

Eating...I was such a horrible eater. I still am, to be honest. I don't like fruits or vegetables. I am so picky. I am truly a meat and potatoes girl, and I cannot change. Seriously. I have tried. 

The weird thing is, I still really loved myself, even at my biggest. I still thought I was pretty, and I still could basically get whatever guy I wanted. I know that sounds horrible and egotistical. But when I "set" out to get a guy, I got him. So it's easy to understand why I didn't think my weight was a big deal. It wasn't really affecting my life, except for that whole "killing me slowly because I am so unhealthy I may just drop dead" thing. I just accepted that I would never be in public in a bathing suit, and I would always be the fat one in my group of friends. 

In June 2011, two things happened that made me realize enough was enough. 

One afternoon, I was playing with my nephew in his playhouse. He looked right at me and said "Aunt Jen, you have a big belly." Thanks, Gav. I know I have a big belly. But then he went on to say "So does my dad." OUCH. Gavin's dad is huge. And he saw us in the same light. SICK.

The other thing was my annual appointment at my girl doc. I go every year in June, and every year I step on that scale and want to cry. I always think to myself "at this time next year, I'm gonna be like 100 pounds lighter...I'm going to really start dieting today." And then I run through McDonalds on my way into work.

Not this year. I was so upset. That scale was a number I couldn't even believe. I knew the jig was up, the time had come, enough was enough. Let's get this show on the road.

I came back to work (no McDonalds) and sat at my computer. Where do I start? I knew I needed a program, I couldn't do this on my own. I looked at Jenny, and Nutrisystem. They were both out. To do those, you have to buy their food, and that would never work for me. I needed to find a system that doesn't set me up to fail from the get go. Weight Watchers seemed better, because I can eat my own food but I just needed to stay within my points. I signed up right then for three months. 

I told Nick I had done it, because this would affect him, too. He was my lunch partner five days a week. He was very supportive, because in his head this was a Jen phase I would be over in a week. 

Little did he know, 13 months later, I'm still committed. And he has joined and is within pounds of a healthy weight for his height (He has dropped almost 40 pounds. He won't brag about it, so I will). And his wife joined. And my two sisters, and my stepmom, and countless friends. We could easily have our own WW support group. 

I know people think they can't do it. But seriously, if I can do it, ANYONE can.

Within the first six months I dropped 58 pounds. Then the holidays came, and I didn't lose anything between Thanksgiving and New Years. I really wasn't expecting to, but it still came as a shock since I had been down every single week. I knew something had to change, and since I hadn't really been serious about working out, that was it. I joined a gym and signed up for one year with a personal trainer. I've dropped another 27 pounds since then, but it has really been a battle. I go up and down, but I'm getting there.

I don't know what my final goal is yet. I feel good and I know I look better. I am so much healthier, and in much better shape. But I know I still have a ways to go before I am "healthy" by industry standards. This is the lightest I have been since high school, so it's all very new to me. I set my next goal to hit 90 pounds, and then I will probably aim for 100. After that, who knows?

The fat girl is still inside me, but I shut her up with new small outfits. 


Finally, a loss!

After two weeks of seeing the number go up on the scale, I was relieved to see a loss this morning. Today's numbers:

Loss - 1.8 pounds
Total loss - 85.6 pounds
4.4 left til goal of 90

I had a good week. What am I talking about, I always have good weeks. I guess I've just been really happy lately. A lot of good stuff is in my life right now:
 - My workouts have been awesome, sweaty good times lately.
 - I haven't been so crazy about my points. I eat all my points every day, but I actually allowed myself to eat my weekly points too this week. I didn't dip into my activity points - let's not get crazy.
 - Even though I think my neck scar is repulsive, everyone around me says it's no big deal and not really that noticeable. I will choose to believe them, even if they are just saying it to be nice.
 - This weekend is packed with fun - little reunion on Friday night, Saturday is Channy Boom's birthday party then POISON, and Sunday I have to help grandma in the AM then Grace Potter at Cove with Missy and Melissa.
 - Next weekend is my birthday - I am not sure what I'm doing yet, but I like to be the center of attention for a day.
 - I start my LAST term of school on Wednesday. Then I will be a master.

So see, lots of good stuff. I cannot wait to see Bret Michaels up close and personal on Saturday night. I can't explain. I love that man.

Also, this week, I was able to get into my "goal" skirt. I have had this skirt forever, and it was too tight forever. Then I could get it on, but it was not flattering at all. My goal has been to look hot in this skirt. Mission accomplished!

The picture on the left is a three best friend picture from June 2011, but I cut out the other best friends. I am huge. And disgusting. But let's get real, I was still a crap ton of fun. (Literally TON of fun). 

And I know how lame it is to take pictures of yourself in the mirror. So shut it. 

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Your honor...Judge N. Boone

This is my favorite picture of me and Nick.

He's being quite judgmental today.

Told you I'll be here forever, said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out to the end.


Friday, July 13, 2012

Friday letters

I am stealing this idea from a college friend, Micah. She had this on her blog today. A few letters, to a few people...

Dear me: It's so annoying that the day after weigh in, you weigh less than you ever have. Stop being annoying. Get your shit together.

Dear Missy: hanging out last night, even though it was just sitting on my couch for a few hours, was so needed. I needed to sort through my thoughts, so thanks for listening.

Dear Kaplan (my graduate school): I am really, really sick of being a student. So excuse my half-assness for the next eight weeks. I just can't wait to cut you out of my life.

Dear Kaplan (my employer): I need a vacation really fucking bad.

Dear Midnight Dancer: With everything you have put me through, said to me and done to my heart over the last eight years...goodbye, fool.

Dear all guys who currently aren't happy in their relationships: Get the hell out. Come on. Life is too short not to enjoy going home every day. Like way too short. You could get hit by a bus tonight, and that's that.

Dear digital picture frame: Quit being a bitch. There are some pictures I need to see during my days, so start working again!

Dear Kaylee, Gavin and Gracie: Please be good for Aunt Jen tonight. You guys usually listen to me, and aren't too jerky when I have you - so let's just have fun, watch some movies, eat some popcorn, and I'll teach you more cuss words and dangerous things to do when your parents aren't around.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Seriously? Another gain...

It's weigh in day. And I'm up. Again.

I'm not up a lot, so quit smiling, haters. Less than a pound. But I am so frustrated I want to rip my luscious hair out.

I am not sure what's going on. I've been eating really well..like much better than I normally do. I did not have a cheat day at all this week - I stayed within my points every single day. I also worked out a lot, and have even added...wait for it...fruit to my diet. I am intimidated by fruit, mostly because I don't know how to cut it. But I bit the bullet and did it. It's okay.

I feel like my body is still changing, despite the shitty numbers on the scale. My pants all feel loose again (which is awesome, but kind of annoying) and my stomach is getting flatter. I can tell cause my boobs finally look like boobs again, rather than the chest of a 8 year old boy. Maybe things are adjusting, and the scale has nothing good to show. Who knows.

All of this is leading me to question my whole diet life. While complaining about the lack of losing, three separate, non related people have said to me "Well, aren't you done losing weight anyway?" My step mom told me I'm good now, to stop. Nick asked me if I stopped right now, would I be satisfied, cause I should be. Katie told me I could stop, and then asked if I was going to become anorexic. I think that's a little dramatic, but that's my Katie.

I don't feel like I should be done. I must not see the Jen that they see. I still see my flabby stomach, my double chin, my disgusting armpits. When I look at pictures, though, I see the Jen that everyone else sees, and I'm really happy with myself. So maybe I act like a high schooler and take pictures of myself all the time? I don't know.

Or maybe I just set myself up to fail by setting my goal at 100 pounds. That is a freaking lot of weight. I know I can hit it, but maybe I was being too aggressive. So I moved my goal down to 90 pounds. When I hit 90, I will decide if I am going to go into maintenance or keep losing. Right now, I am pretty much the same size I was when I was a senior in high school. My junior year is when I was in the best shape I've ever been in, and I'm one size away from that. It's mindblowing, and I need to remember how far I have come, not that the scale was up .8 of a pound this morning.

So the new numbers, with the new goal, are:
This week: +.8
Total: 83.8
6.2 pounds to go

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Mushy love

Yesterday I got to see so many people I love. I realized it when I got home last night. It was just a normal Saturday, but I saw so many people who make me smile. I realized just how lucky I am, and I need to remember that, especially since I have been feeling pretty crappy about myself lately. Mushy post, I know. But I've been feeling low, so a reminder like this was needed. 

Now today I will see no one I love (unless someone surprises me) because I am doing homework all day. Two weeks left of these classes, and I am taking a mini vacation when I'm done. I have no idea where, but I'm thinking a hotel with an outdoor pool and a stack of books!

Friday, July 6, 2012

Over it

I've revamped my blog this morning. I made it to 500 awesome things, but now I'm sick of that theme and opted for a more generic blog where I can write about anything I want. But today I don't want to write anything, so sorry suckers.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Weigh in day - July 5th

Seriously, weigh in day right after a holiday? Not okay. So obviously I was up. I ate like crap yesterday. But I'm okay with it. I was only up 1.2 pounds, and I am working to get back on the right track this week. My head is not in the game...too much drama, especially today. People who suck have got to stop trying to suck the awesome out of me! 

I will have a different story next week, I promise! (Okay, I can't promise...but I hope!)

1.2 pounds up
84.6 pounds down total
15.4 pounds til goal


I am trying a few new things...
1. I am upping my cardio each day from 30 minutes to 45. 
2. I'm adding core exercises at home. 
3. I have got to get out of my own head...I am letting the man (literally) get me down. And I'm also letting the crazies get me down. 

I also really need to stop wearing clothes that are too big for me. I just can't accept the size I'm in. I still think I'm bigger. My mom took some pictures of me setting stuff on fire yesterday, and the pants I was wearing are two sizes too big. Not flattering!

Monday, July 2, 2012

July 2nd list

482. Magic Mike night with Molly and Hannah. I really love my girlfriends a lot right now.
483. I've been working out really hard lately - not really showing on the scale, but I'm feeling pretty good about it!
484. Road tripping with Nick to Kim's wedding.
485. I should not be allowed at weddings...I am always inappropriate.
486. Every time I'm in a Catholic church, all I can think about is sex. This is the number one reason I dropped out of Catholic classes.
487. I did the best thing on Saturday - I got to marry my sister. I am so so honored that I got to do this. I love the looks on our faces in this picture.
488. My nephew. He is the most considerate, sweet, smart, awesome little boy I've ever known. And he is a cutie pants.
489. My parents have one of those 3.5 foot pools in their yard. LOVE. I want to move to Glenwood just so I can sit in it all summer.
490. The fact that my parents got a pool the same summer that I decided to start wearing bathing suits again.
491. Finally getting this look documented, which is the look I give when I think a person is acting like a fucking idiot...now I understand why I get in trouble at work for giving this look to people in meetings. 
492. Yeah, I'm gonna say it - I love myself in that black dress. And I love that I have another dress I'm going to wear to work tomorrow.
493. Driving to Glenwood to make my sister's marriage legal this morning, and realizing I really do want to live there someday. Mainly for the Chinese food. How is Glenwood's chinese place the best in the world?
494. Keeping my fingers crossed...
495. Cleaning my apartment on a Sunday night while watching True Blood. I don't know why this was so peaceful, but it was. Nothing like vaccumming to the image of a vampire getting slayed.
496. Opening medical bills...to find very small balances. I may just be able to handle this...
497. Talking on the phone like a high schooler. 
498. Flipping the calendar to July. This is the month I'll see Bret Michaels and I'll turn 32.
499. Remembering I was supposed to have it all figured out by the time I was 32. May have to adjust that goal...
500. Being halfway to 1000!