Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Just a blog entry...not awesome.

I started this on my Weight Watchers blog, but ran out of characters. It was supposed to be about my weight loss over the last few weeks, but I quickly got off topic. This is the first time I've actually really thought about my surgery and my feelings, so bear with me. Or quit reading now. Either is fine. 

Alright, I'm at 84 pounds. I am 16 away from my ultimate goal of 100 pounds. Let's do this.

It's been a frustrating few weeks. I found out in early May that I had a caratid body tumor in my neck. Not cancer, and not really hurting me, but it was crowding arteries and needed to come out. Surgery was scheduled for May 23, and I had to go into the hospital May 22nd for an angiogram. This was a huge blow to me. First of all, I am literally terrified of the hospital. Terrified. TERRIFIED. I have never had to spend the night, and I have actually only been in the hospital twice - once to be born, and once because of a tubal pregnancy. The tubal pregnancy surgery was emergency (as in my stomach was filling up with blood and I almost died), so there was really no time to panic. I was in the ER, they said I needed surgery, I said no, they said you'll die and I said well okay then. There was plenty of time to panic about this surgery - almost three weeks of tears, no sleep and thinking of nothing but going into the hospital. I developed fears I never knew I had. I mean, they were cutting into MY NECK. That's kind of an important body part. Even though I know people have it much worse and I should be thankful it's not cancer, it's still MY NECK they were cutting into. I was so scared. Plus I had spent $90 on Nickelback tickets (really to see the opener Seether...I FUCKING LOVE SEETHER), and of course it was on May 22nd. It was the first time I cried over missing a concert - although I may have been over emotional about this whole damn thing. 

Needless to say, my entire diet has severely been affected by this. When I first found out about this, I ran my ass off - literally. I was so scared of gaining weight during my surgery stay and my recovery that I was trying to get as light as possible, so if I did gain it wouldn't matter as much. Then I got really sick. Like bad cold, cough, snotty nose, the works. I couldn't work out the entire week before my surgery. I was so frustrated, but I needed to get better so they wouldn't put off my hospital stay. At this point, I needed it over with. 

In this hospital, I couldn't eat the first two days - the angiogram and the surgery day. My diet was literally this: hospital swabs of water to wet my tongue. That's it. I couldn't even take drinks of water, although I tried to suck as much as I could off those swabs. Then after that stupid surgery, I literally couldn't swallow. I felt like everything was getting stuck in my throat. It was the worst experience so far in my life. I wanted to cry, scream and throw a temper tantrum. I hurt all the time, but I felt like the pain pills were getting lodged in my throat. It was so awful. So needless to say, for four days I ate zero Weight Watchers points. 

I got to go home after five solid days in the hospital. I went to my dad's house and cried a lot. Then, after being home for three days, I went to visit my best friend's mom's house (let's get real...I kinda wish she was my mom, too) and had a nice little visit, and then promptly passed out on her back porch. Really?! I knew it was because I had eaten nothing, drank nothing, I felt like crap and I got really hot. However, when you get your neck cut open then pass out, people tend to freak, so back to UNMC I went. I just went to the ER, and I was expecting them to check me over and send me home. But nope. They decided something had to be wrong with my heart, or my brain, and they were determined to find something. They admitted me, so back up to a room I went. Four tests later, I was released. This was after I am pretty sure I got voted the most difficult patient of all time. I was actually yelling at people, and being so rude I can't believe it was really me. I can't explain the mindset I was in...I did not care what anyone thought, or how mean I was being. I was uncomfortable, frustrated and I hated everyone. And I let them know it. 

I got back to Dad's and I had had enough. I started eating my face off, and drinking water like no one's business. I was determined to get better and get back to my own bed and shower. I knew I needed to get back into my routine, or I was going to go bananas. My parent's were not pumped for me to leave, but I think they knew I needed to get rolling again. When they let me go home, I weighed myself immediately. I was down a lot. I shouldn't have tracked it, cause I've gone up quite a bit (well like three pounds, but it feels like a lot). 

I'm back on a routine - back to running (which I was scared of, but it's been okay). I haven't started lifting yet, cause in my head I will lift and rip my scar open. I know it can't happen, but my head is pretty screwed up right now. 

This whole process has really shown me the members of my family who really care, and a few that really don't. Well, two who really don't. My friends have been wonderful, but this has shown me a few true colors there as well. I'm easing my way back into my normal life, and for the most part everything has been okay. I still can't smile (the right side of my mouth just won't work), but that's okay. It'll fix itself soon. 

At any rate...June 23rd is my one year anniversary on Weight Watchers. I am excited to hit that mark, and I am hoping these next 16 pounds come off at a decent rate. I will re-evaluate at that point to decide if I'm going to go into maintenance or try to lose a few more. I don't want to end up like a bobblehead!

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