Wednesday, October 17, 2018


I always say that addiction runs in my family. I'm not sure if that is something that can be passed along between generations, and I'm not going to do the research, but I do know that one side of my family is chock full of addicts.

Many of my male relatives are alcoholics. Many have dabbled in drugs. My mother has tried to quit smoking so. many. times. and just can't. And last week, my cousin died after overdosing from meth.

JL was five years younger than me, and she lived in my grandparent's backyard. We lived in their front yard, basically, so we grew up together. Every school day my sisters and I would walk to her house and pick her up to go to the bus stop together. My aunt would make her eat breakfast before we could leave, so we spent a lot of time waiting at the door for JL to complain about it and then eventually choke down her poptart or bacon slice.

At that point, JL copied everything I did. Any team I liked, any celebrity I had a crush on. I was always annoyed by it. I remember when I got my middle school yearbook, I opened it up a few days into summer and saw that Jamie had gotten ahold of it and signed it. "Never change! Have a good summer! Love Jamie", it said, among all the autographs and messages from my classmates. Back then it annoyed me, but now it's kind of hilarious.

Everything kind of changed - her mom remarried, my parents both remarried, her mom and stepdad had two more kids. Both our families moved out of grandpa's yard. We weren't as close, and I started hearing things about her. She had hooked up with some guys from my class. She was smoking pot. She was drinking. At some point, she went to Omaha to live with her dad. I don't know what happened after that, but around that time is when her drug of choice changed to meth.

Everything has been a mess since then. She's had three kids - she was 22 when she had her first. When she delivered, she was high on meth. She disconnected herself at the hospital and left the baby. My aunt was able to rescue him and adopt him. He's 11 now and so smart and funny. And so, so confused about watching his birth mother die while his adopted mother (grandmother) sobbed and mourned. Her second child, a girl, lives with her dad. She is also so smart and so funny. And absolutely beautiful. Her third child lives in Texas with his dad. I've never met him, and I don't think I ever will.

Four years ago she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Everyone talked about how unlucky she was, and I wanted to shake them. This is because of drug abuse! She didn't just draw the short stick and get a bum heart. But I guess not dealing with that helped everyone accept the fact that JL's heart was failing her and she needed to remain sober if she wanted to live.

She didn't remain sober.

And my aunt had to cremate her oldest daughter.

I am struggling hard with my emotions. I am so, so angry about the choices she made and what it did to my family. I feel guilty that I should have done more. I had a lot of interactions with her as an adult. Maybe one of those times I could have changed the outcome of her life if I had tried a little harder, or put in a little more time.

Yet, every time I see a Facebook post about how she was taken too soon I get so mad. She was not taken. She gave in to her addiction.

My mom told me I have to forgive her. I am working on that.

Monday, August 13, 2018

Bye (for now) (maybe)

Hi everyone.

I am going to take a blog break. I have a lot going on, and trying to sort through everything is stressing me out. I am going to take a planned, scheduled vacation from blogging. I will come back in January 2019. Maybe. I'm not sure right now. Let's see how this break goes.

If I miss it, I'll be back next week. Cause you know...I make up the rules as I go along.

For those concerned about my NYE resolution, I will make it to 250. That goal may have been a little low.

Have a good remainder of summer, fall and winter! I'll see you next year (maybe) (or sooner).

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

July NYR update

Hi! As you may remember (or maybe not), my New Years Resolution was to log 250 workouts this year. I tracked everything I did in July and here are my results!

29 workouts completed (This included 5 two-a-days and 6 rest days)

1460 minutes of working out, or just over 24 hours
On to August!

Total workouts for the year so far: 215

P.S. As soon as I hit 250, I'm done counting. This is annoying.

Monday, July 30, 2018


I turned 38 this weekend. It was fun. I spent the evening in Glenwood, which didn't help my urge to want to move there.

This year, my 38th year on earth...

A bad habit I'm going to break:
Being on my phone so much - especially right before bed.

A new skill I'd like to learn:
Quilting will be on my list until I just do it. Also, after doing 90 minutes of yoga yesterday, I want to get better at that (because it was not pretty).

A person I hope to be more like:
Connie Sperling and Jan Achenbach

A place I'd like to visit:
I mean, I want to visit Hawaii, but I don't think I will this year. But I am very excited for my LA trip in October, and I would like to get out to see Juana again early next year.

A book I'd like to read:
I'm not sure on this one. Who has suggestions?

I'm going to do better at:
Not being on my phone so much
Making sure people in my life know how much I love them
Going on walks in the evenings/not just laying on my couch watching Grey's Anatomy

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Questions and Answers

If you could take a break from your life and go back to school to master a subject, what would it be? 
I would be a teacher!
If you had asked me this question ten years ago, I never would have thought that would be the answer. I was 8 years into the casino industry at that point, and my life was very very different. However, after nine years in higher education, I see now that my calling is working with students, and I wish I could work with them at the high school level.

When you're having  a bad day, what do you do to feel better?
Put in my earbuds, sing loudly and dance around my apartment.

Where is the most beautiful place you've ever been?
St. Mary's Glacier in Colorado

Who is the kindest person you know?
Connie Sperling

What do you wish you had time to do?
I wish I had the time/resources to do a podcast. No one would listen, probably, but I would love to do a Dax Shepherd-esqe podcast where I just sit with my friends and ask them questions.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

4th of July fun

I extended my 4th of July holiday - since it fell on a Wednesday, I took Thursday and Friday off as well and headed to Lake Rathbun for my annual Boone camping trip.

Wednesday when I got there we got on the boat, and I decided getting sunburnt was the best idea. Still, totally worth it. We grilled that night and I had about ten s'mores. Also, since it was hot AF we had family movie night in the camper where we watched Trolls (which is so cute).

The next day we boated again and had dinner at a little place on the lake. Seriously...does it get better than this? More s'mores and about 24 marshmallows later, we headed to bed.

Perfect little mini vacay, right? I think so too.

Monday, July 2, 2018

June NYR update

Hi! As you may remember (or maybe not), my New Years Resolution was to log 250 workouts this year. I tracked everything I did in June and here are my results!

33 workouts completed (This included 8 two-a-days and 5 rest days)

1655 minutes of working out, or over 27 1/2 hours
On to July!

Total workouts for the year so far: 186